Dating Detox:  3 Reasons Why You Keep Failing and How To Fix It?

Have you tried dating detox only to find yourself back in the same situation again and again?

Imagine wanting to take a break from the dating apps and uninstalling the apps for about a year before you reinstall and try dating again. You wanted to cleanse the energy from your past dating patterns. 

However, as soon as you start dating again, you notice the old patterns resurfacing. you feel like you’re meeting the same type of people again and again, and you’re just not sure if you are doing the dating detox effectively.

Sometimes, even if our intentions are right, which is to find our forever person, we tend to get stuck in the same loop of lather-rinse-repeat mode in dating (this was the first podcast I listened to when I was trying to understand dating patterns better and I recommend you to listen to it as well).

But why does this happen? Here are the three reasons why we fail in dating detox and meet the same types of people again and again.

You have to let go of your past fully to redefine your future dating patterns.

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My Experience

Will you believe me if I said that I actually bought a dress to celebrate the success in ditching communication with the guy I was in a situationship with? I thought I would not hear from him again but guess what? 

I texted him back after a few months when I was distressed in my dating life. I thought that I would be meeting somebody new and I would move on with my life, but I kept stumbling upon various guys who were emotionally not available. 

Some of them even had the same as this guy that I was trying to ditch. I was taken aback when this happened because I was thinking that the same pattern was probably going to repeat (and I was kinda right).

In 2024, I wanted to take a break from dating, and I did not date anyone for about a year. However, I find myself being trapped with dating apps, thinking that the apps are the only way I’m going to meet somebody, and I also tend to use them when I am in distress.

But, in 2025, a lot of things changed drastically, and I finally truly felt that I was not attracted to the guys that I used to be attracted to in the past. For this to happen, I think I went through a lot of experiences that made me who I am today.

I will elaborate on these moments of realization as we dissect the reasons why dating detox fails often in so many people’s lives.

Dating Detox: 3 Reasons Why We Fail

1. We Energetically Attract People Who Aren’t Emotionally Available

I don’t know about you, but I think as a woman, I have been attracted to the wrong kinds of energy that I interpreted as my type when it comes to dating. 

The number one reason why situationships fail for women especially is because we women cannot separate emotions with attraction and physical intimacy.

We all want to attract different kinds of people into our lives, and of course, we want to attract emotionally available people. 

However, as I am writing this post, I am trying to dissect my own dating life, and I’m trying to think through the reasons why I have been attracted to the wrong kinds of people in my life all these years.

I have always been attracted to guys with whom I can have conversations. Especially intelligent conversation. 

However, when I think about this thoroughly, I noticed that usually when guys are good at holding conversations and when I do not clarify the intention in dating early on, it quickly turns into a situationship. 

This is because when we communicate with someone day in and day out, we don’t really want to break the flow of the connection by purposely bringing up questions on dating intentions.

Let’s be honest; how many of us are attracted to men because we think that they treat us kindly, they are honest, they are respectful, and they are clear with their intentions in dating?

We never judge a guy based on how they make us feel, especially how we would like to feel, but we get attracted to guys based on what seems like their personality. For example, they are good at talking, they are intelligent, they seem to be financially secure, and they talk to us every day.

Let’s just say that a guy that we are dating is talking to us every single day and the conversation seems to be going in the right direction. However, we are afraid of asking for clarity on where this is going exactly.

We think that he wants a relationship with us, and therefore, we keep the communication going, thinking that somehow and someday, he will talk about forming a relationship.

However, we do not ask for clarification because we do not want to rush into a relationship because we feel that this person fits us perfectly.

If you noticed, we are usually stuck with guys who have certain qualities. These few qualities are what makes us feel that there is a soft spot for these guys in our hearts. 

Can you take 10 minutes to think through the guys that you have been stuck in the past with and identify the similar qualities that they have had?

2. We Are Desperate For a Date

If you think about it, we meet a lot of emotionally unavailable guys when we are desperate for a date. Usually, when we are thinking straight and we are not operating from our space of lack, we are confident that we can identify people who are right for us.

However, when we are desperate for a date, especially if we are trying to move on from someone by finding a new person to date with.

This is what happened to me when I tried to date someone again on dating apps after not dating for some time. I was trying to move on from someone, and I was broken and desperate to talk to somebody else.

Interestingly, I matched with two emotionally unavailable guys. with one of them, I was thinking straight, and I spotted red flags after talking to him for about a week. He started off the conversation on Bumble by saying that he was trying to find someone for a long-term relationship, and he was respectful.

However, I noticed that he did not want to communicate with me when he was at home, and gradually, his preference for finding a long-term relationship turned into a shady intention that I was not comfortable with.

I was not emotionally attached to him, and therefore, the conversation ended when I sought clarification.

The other guy, however, was jovial and texted me every single day, and he seemed to want a long-term relationship from the way he was sending me relationship-related reels on Instagram.

By the time I met him and finally understood his exact intention, I was feeling convenient and comfortable texting him already. That is the reason why I felt it difficult to end the conversation with this guy.

We usually think that we can be friends with people that we meet from dating apps, however, this does not happen easily. Men have their needs when it comes to dating apps, and a relationship between a man and a woman cannot be platonic most of the time.

This is the reason why we are stuck with the wrong person, and if you think about it, this is an act of deceiving ourselves at the end of the day.

3. We Are Afraid of Ending Conversations

It does not matter how much time we invest in healing ourselves. What matters the most is identifying people who are not good for us early on in dating and discarding them. Even if we have done all the healing works in the world, we will still bump into people who are not good for us.

We cannot determine who we come across in life. However, what we are in control of in life is the way we respond to people that we come in touch with.

The reason why our dating detox fail is that we are afraid of ending conversations. I know that it is not possible to identify people’s intentions within a day of matching with each other.

However, when we lose control of our emotions and get attached to people even before we identify the intention, that is exactly when we get stuck in the trap of being unable to end conversations with them.

How To Fix It?

1. Look at Their Intrinsic Behaviours

Rather than seeing if guys tick off your list of qualities that you want in a partner, first see if they are being consistent in treating you with respect, if they are honest with their opinions, if they are taking things slow and not love bombing you and if they are making plans to date you.

Write the experiences you have had with a guy in a journal to see if you have more green flags or red flags in relationships.

Problems happen when we tend to look for the qualities that we want to see in guys. Qualities that are external and are not based on their values. Sure, we need someone who has a similar opinion when it comes to financial management, we need someone who thinks the same about wanting kids or not wanting them, and so many more other things. 

However, are we looking at how guys are being respectful towards us? Are they being consistent enough? Are they not talking about sexual stuff early on?

We always look at educational qualifications, but we fail to judge people based on how they treat us as human beings. I have seen people who have the highest education qualification possible and all the richness in the world but are still emotionally unavailable.

To come to this stage of realization, you have to date the wrong kinds of people and finally come to a point where you appreciate different types of people more. 

2. It Takes Time – Celebrate Small Dating Detox Victories

You know, dating detox and manifestation are interrelated. Do not be hard on yourself.  You could have completed your healing journey and at the same time still be wondering if you have done it correctly.

This is because detox is not some kind of a competition or a test for you to win. Remember, you have no control over who you meet in life. Therefore, do not be hard on yourself and understand that sometimes, dating detox happens in different phases.

Every time I do a dating detox, I realize that I am not the same person that I was in the past. Five years ago, I was stuck with the wrong person by sending this guy texts every single day. 

With each dating detox, I noticed that I was gradually becoming unattached to this guy. My attachment level became lower, although it was not completely zero.

Finally, when I completely let him go, I didn’t even realize that the phase was happening. I did not need to delete his conversation, and I did not need to delete his number. I simply lost the sense of attachment that I had with this guy.

I truly believe that dating detox is not just about not talking to new people but also not talking to anyone from the past that we used to be in touch with. This is like a complete cleansing of energy from our past dating history, which will shape our future dating history if we do not cut the chord early on.

You have to let go of your past fully to redefine your future dating patterns.

3. Remove Contacts With Past Flings

When you cannot stop romanticizing your past, and if you keep thinking about people from your past, it goes to show that a part of you wants to be with this person. If you have not been able to let these people go, they are going to resurface in different people.

You have to stop stalking them on Instagram and social media to fully cleanse your energy from their impact. I fully believe that we become emotionally unavailable because we are stuck with the wrong types of people, even if they are not interested in us or if the relationship does not go anywhere substantial.

Conclusions  

It is not wrong to want a partner who has an amazing physical attractiveness and chemistry with you, a financially stable guy, and someone who can hold a good conversation with you.

However, first, try to identify their intention earlier on when you are dating people. See if they respect you. Jot down your experience dating them. Try to identify how many red flags and green flags in the relationships that you have identified. See if they are respectful and are not trying to exploit you for sexual benefits.