How many times have you been on dates only to know that they were discreet dates, initiated by either men who are married and secretly looking for extramarital affairs or by men who are not as invested as you in looking for a long-term relationship? Love-bombing? Fast-forwarding conversations and making you think you’ve found “the one”?
“Are you free this weekend? Let’s meet up! I’m looking for something serious that leads to marriage. I have no time to text and I want to meet in person in order to understand people better. Can I have your number?”
Two days later…
“I’d like to spend some time with you more in order to understand you better and it would be great if we could spend the resssstttt of the evening together. I have made up my mind and I’m making this official, there’s no way we are turning back. I do not want to keep swiping more people and waste more time getting to know more people! Afterall, what’s the point? I am looking for love and relationship, and I have no time for games”
Sounds familiar and frustrated? I had to weed out flaky guys looking for discreet dates like this (loads and loads of them) on dating apps until I decided not to reveal something on the apps to avoid wishy-washy guys whose love intention can be hard to ascertain when they say they want to go with the flow to have an organic relationship, and it made dating easier ever since!
As someone who has been in the dating scene even before my 30s, and stretching through my early and soon mid-30s, I am here to share my thoughts (actually speaking my thoughts as I am so excited to have found the speech-to-text dictation Google Chrome extension that saves me time typing – oh, and it is FREE) on how I work through my emotions and what has worked for me in facing this situation, so that you can navigate through this phase gracefully and also when next time you are confused with men whose words don’t match their actions, you can decide how to better teach your mind to react differently.
I’m Jasveena and I have been blogging since 2013, documenting my experience as well as helpful professional resources and tips I found online in seeking meaningful relationships and connections, and I am here to share them with you so that you are not alone in cruising through this journey called life that may seem like a lonely path.
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Nature of Dating Apps
First thing first, let’s look at what dating apps really are. Dating apps are new ways of meeting people online. Think about churches and community events that people of our parents’ age had when they were young, where they had the opportunity to meet lots of new people and potentially find partners there. With the invention of the internet, a large part of social life has shifted online and this includes dating.
You would be surprised to know that apart from Tinder, Bumble, and OKCupid, which are the main players in the market of dating apps, there are apps dedicated to people looking for discreet dates and the LGBTQ+ community.
However, the nature of dating apps has made it difficult to distinguish between genuine and dishonest people. There is no obligation for someone to reveal their actual name. Age, profession, relationship status, and many other details that people are required to update on their profiles are not mandatory and mostly not verified. With that being said, it is still one of the popular ways of meeting people quickly.
Imagine going to an event where you can meet a hundred people and having to repeat that over and over in order to meet at least about 500 people. Even then, you would not have the chance of talking to as many of them as possible. This is what dating app has made possible for all of us looking for potential dates (although it could lead to the swipe culture and paradox of choices).
The Various Motives of People On Dating Apps
Now, people on dating apps have a wide range of motives. Many dating apps have actually introduced a feature that has made it easier for people to filter out those that are not on the same page as the ones that are swiping. A lot of people do not know what they are looking for specifically on dating apps. They may be going through a breakup, looking for new friends, looking for short-term fun (read: sex), or friends with benefits (read: sex and friendship).
Now these are just some of the motives people are getting on dating apps. Recently, dating apps have been used by scammers to extort money and a lot of people have lost their money to love scams.
Amongst these people are the ones that are genuine with their intention (does not matter what it is) and those looking for genuine friendships and also relationships.
What Are The Needs for Discreet Dates?
Discreet dates are initiated by people looking for extramarital affairs and casual flings, or those that do not have the intention of dating to marry. They might be cheating in a long-distance relationship and being on dating apps to meet different people is made easier when their partners are not staying with them.
Lack of sex, happiness, and understanding in a relationship usually leads to couples seeking extramarital affairs.
You may ask, “What are the needs for discreet dates when there are already apps and sites dedicated to casual flings?”
Or some of you may have just clicked on the link above to find out what that is, perhaps out of curiosity.
Those looking for extramarital affairs and casual flings have a fear of judgment. They do not want to portray themselves as someone looking for short-term flings and definitely do not want to come across people from their social circles like families and friends. Hence, being on dating apps like Bumble or even Facebook Dating, where they are looking for mere friendship all by using fake profile pictures, gives them the chance to be on the safe side and go on discreet dates.
The One Thing That Women Should Not Reveal
If you are a woman looking for a long-term, serious, and committed relationship that leads to marriage, the one thing that you should not reveal on your dating profile is your intention.
Women who are tired of dating cycles, worry about their biological clock, and do not want to date somebody who is not on the same page as them may think that stating their intention clearly on the dating profile will fetch quality dates. However, the dating app algorithm does not work this way.
Why stating your intention on a dating app is not a clever move?:
- When you state what you are looking for, you can match with men who have also stated that they are looking for the same thing. For example, if you are looking for a relationship, you may come across tons of men who have stated the same thing on their profile. If they are not genuine with the intention, it will make things easier for them to string you along by giving the impression that they are looking for a serious relationship.
- Straight trees get cut first! Instead, try to find out what they are looking for without giving out too much information about what you are looking for. Men who are looking for something short-term will want sex faster. Watch what they do and see if it matches with what they say.
- In short, do not be desperate, as you can be under societal pressure when seeing friends getting married. Also, do not assume that men who state they are looking for a relationship, are, in fact looking for a relationship. Do not create expectations from people you have just swiped right on before they can prove themselves worthy of your expectations.
- Dating apps can actually match you with whoever comes across your profile from within the areas that you live in. You cannot actually restrict people who are not looking for what you want from matching with you. This only gets messier when those who have chosen not to stay what they are looking for at all match with you. In short, dating apps have a lot of improvements to make when it comes to matching profiles using the algorithm.
- What you see on the profiles is just a guideline of who they may be and should not necessarily be taken at face value.
When To Reveal It?
“So, when to reveal what we are looking for?”
Let’s say they have mentioned that they are looking for a relationship on their profile but in the conversation, they say the complete opposite, then you know what to do. It’s pretty obvious, right?
I wouldn’t go on asking them if they are considering something long-term, or if they are looking for something serious. I wouldn’t prompt them further because this has happened to me a lot of times when I prompt them further, they sense that I’m looking for something long-term and play along that line.
There are some people who would never initiate conversations about what you’re looking for and etc – which is the actual getting-to-know-you process. If they are not keen, do not prompt them further. Men, if they are not keen to play with your feelings and if they know that you are looking for something long-term will eventually disappear from your radar. Do not go chasing after them if you want to avoid discreet dates.
If you found men saying that they are looking for something long-term, obviously this is the time for you to say what you’re looking for without sounding desperate. Do not fall for their sweet words, love-bombing, and empty promises. This is what men who are looking to get into your pants would do, especially when they know you are desperate. Try to find out their intentions by striking up conversations like “what are you looking for in a partner?”
In short, see if conversations are evolving naturally and if their actions match their words. Do not get upset if the conversations do not translate into actual face-to-face dates. Move on to the others on the apps.
How To Strike A Balance Between Being Authentic and Cautious?
When you are too cautious or guarded, you may come across as someone very cold and difficult to have conversations with. However, when you reveal too much about yourself or try to forge a connection, you may seem like fast-forwarding the relationship.
As much as we would like to speak more to a person, it depends on how they reciprocate. State your intention and see if they are following through. Do not fall for the potential that you see in them. Let them show you who they are.
I have spoken to a lot of people who had good conversation skills and came up with great topics to talk about, but the dates just did not go anywhere. You may feel frustrated and disappointed that you have missed someone with great potential, but the reality is not what you think it is. Give yourself a pat on the back and do yourself a favor. Move on to the next person.
My Experience With Discreet Dates
I never state what I am looking for on Bumble and this has saved my time in weeding out men who can be pretentious and say they are looking for something long-term and play along when they see me stating that I am looking for a relationship. It is a lot easier to find out their intention first and then cut them off when they are not being upfront about their intention, than to tell them yours, and hope that they would be genuine and pass you up if you are not on the same page as him! The world is not filled with nice people and sometimes you have to test them a bit to save your time and energy! Makes sense?
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What should you not reveal to someone you met online?
If you have decided to meet someone you know from dating apps, you may want to protect yourself by not revealing where you live, with whom you live, your workplace and other personal details that you are not comfortable sharing with a stranger yet. Only share details that are related to the purpose of your meet-up. If you are meeting someone for the first time, it’s more of a vibe check and to see if you would like to see them again. Have this on your mind when you are on the verge of sharing details excessively.
What not to share on dating apps?
Do not share with people your home address, your financial details, bank card numbers and other important details like your social media if you do not want random strangers stocking you on social media right after the first conversation.
How do you stay hidden on dating apps?
On certain dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, you can go on incognito mode or hidden mode whereby your profiles will only be shown to people you have already matched with. This option is great for people who do not want their profiles to be shown to others but want to stay in touch with the current matches that they have gotten so far. Also, if you do not want to delete your dating app, and do not want to swipe on any more profiles, this is a great way to stay hidden.
What are the red flags on dating apps?
Scammers on dating apps usually we’ll try to move the conversations of the app. If you see an American on the profile picture but the conversation do not seem like one you have with a native speaker, be very careful as this could be a scammer in action.
Apart from that, people who choose not to show their faces on dating apps for discreet dates. So, screen profiles carefully.
How do I protect myself on a first date?
Choose a public place to meet up. Go to the location on your own and do not have them fetch you from your house. Let at least one of your friends or family members know your whereabouts.