Dating someone who was abused by a narcissist can be difficult because of the wide range of emotional disturbances that they have experienced in the past.
But what’s more difficult is actually identifying if they have been abused in the past. Because, most of the time when you are dating someone you wouldn’t know their entire dating history and why they behave the way they behave.
People can also choose not to let you know that they have been dating a narcissist in the past and probably this could come from a well-meaning intention of not wanting to bad mouth their ex.
But how can we identify the traits of abuse when we are dating someone who was abused by a narcissist? Let’s dive into the five signs of it.
I’m Jasveena and I have been blogging since 2013, documenting my experience as well as helpful professional resources and tips I found online in seeking meaningful relationships and connections, and I am here to share them with you so that you are not alone in cruising through this journey called life that may seem like a lonely path.
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My Experience
I have personally had acquaintances who were dating narcissists and they were going through hell over time in order to even recover from the relationship. Most of the time, they actually tend to stay longer than they should. It is harder to leave if you do not have a proper support system surrounding you.
What I’ve personally noticed is that, actually people who recover from abusive relationships are braver and they actually demand more in their new relationship. They have the courage to put their step down and ask for what they deserve and would not tolerate bad behaviors and treatment from their partners anymore.
However, those people who have not healed completely from abusive treatments in the past well tend to negatively impact new relationships that they enter. They always appear to be waiting for the other shoe to drop and are always suspicious of their partners.
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5 Signs Of Dating Someone Who Was Abused By A Narcissist
While these signs may not exactly indicate that you are dating someone who was abused by a narcissist, these signs could also be that they have traumas from childhood related to their parents or even due to the way the sea relationships around them.
However, in general, these are the top five signs to look out for especially if you think that you may be dating someone who was abused by a narcissist.
- Men-Hating or Women-Hating Behaviors
If you noticed excessive hate towards a specific gender, let’s say you are a woman and you are dating a man and this guy is hating on women like nobody’s business, this could very much be an indicator that this person has been abused in the past by someone very narcissist to the extent that the now think that all women are same. Women who have been abused by men and the past will think that all men are the same.
They have a tendency to relate everything to how women are wicked and cannot be trusted. Let’s say you are watching a movie, and the main character is depicting some level of toxicity, this guy would then go ahead and say all women are the same, or even look at you and tell you that women are abusive and cannot be trusted.
If this goes on every day, and he has a deep-rooted head toward women, it would be impossible for you to develop a healthy relationship with him because you would then feel extremely frustrated with his angst and hatred toward a woman.
- Defensive Behaviors
Dating someone who was abused by a narcissist can be challenging because they become very defensive in behaviors in their new relationship. This is because they do not want to be treated badly again and they would be extremely cautious to the extent that they would get triggered by very small things.
For example, if you’re a guy and if you were to make comments about her cooking even if you were to say it in a polite way that it is not tasting very good, she would have the tendency to take it very personally and feel very attacked.
They will also have a tendency to make demands and make sure that you meet the demands because this is going to show that you care for them and you have genuine love intention for them. In the past, their abusive partner had been neglecting their needs and now they want you to prove to them first that you are capable of meeting their needs.
- Mirroring Narcissism Traits
Some level of vengefulness can be seen when dating someone who was abused by a narcissist because they now would want to inflict the pain that they received in the past onto a new partner.
This actually means that they are mirroring the narcissistic traits and the ones to be controlling the relationship. Without them knowing, they would turn into a narcissist, and treat you badly because they want to show you that they have the power in the relationship and they do not want you to treat them badly.
It’s almost like a defensive behavior whereby if let’s say you have always been ditched in the past by your partner you will have the tendency to leave a relationship before they leave you because you do not want to be hurt.
- Stuck In The Past Pain
Well, all the previous signs actually show that your partner is stuck in the past. This is especially true if you have tried to talk to them and they refuse to listen to you and understand your concerns because they are still in defensive mode and they are still healing and therefore do not have the capacity to treat you well.
It is common for people to actually come to full healing in relationships and not just heal completely alone. However, if people are not showing any positive signs of improvement in terms of how they behave and how they care for the new partner it is assigned that they are stuck in the past.
- Trust Issues
The fifth and most important sign of dating someone who was abused by a narcissist is having trust issues with you. The defensive behavior, the tendency to mirror narcissistic behavior and the fear that they have in them are all finding back to the trust issues that they have in people.
It has got nothing to do with you. They basically have not trusted you enough and they think that you could hurt them down the road. This is usually evident in them doubting you and your love for them.
Questions To Ask Yourself When Dating Someone Who Was Abused By A Narcissist
While it can be challenging dating someone who was abused by a narcissist, it is important to ask yourself several questions in order to identify if you will be willing to ride the wave with them.
- Do I Have The Mental Capacity To Be Patient?
You have to ask yourself if you have the mental capacity to be patient with them. This really depends on the level of trust issues and the signs of being abused that they show currently.
It may require you to be patient but if you have been going through difficult relationships in the past and you want a partner who understands that and who is almost the same maturity level, then you have to ask yourself if it is good for you to walk away from the relationship.
- How Can I Help My Partner Heal?
You have to ask yourself, “How can I help my partner heal?”. While it is important to discuss this with your partner, you should also be asking this question to yourself because you need to understand the capacity that you have to help your partner.
Usually, it would be difficult to identify what help your partner needs especially if they have been abused in the past because most probably they are going to say that they are okay or probably they don’t need much help from you.
So, you need to identify ways to help them out and you need to work through it.
- Do I See Positive Improvements?
Lastly, after all these efforts that you have made, you have to see if you see positive improvements in your relationship. Are you feeling better day by day and you are communicating with them?
Are you feeling genuinely happy and you feeling genuinely okay to accommodate their needs? This is because no relationship is going to be 50/50 all the time and you might need to be carrying the 80% load sometimes in order to help your partner cope with difficult moments.
However, if you don’t see positive improvements and it is taking a toll on your mental health, it might be assigned that you need to leave the relationship to save yourself first.
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FAQs
What are the signs that someone has suffered from narcissistic abuse?
You are the signs that someone has suffered from narcissistic abusing the past:
- Men-Hating or Women-Hating Behaviors
- Defensive behaviours
- Stuck in the past.
- Mirroring Narcissistic behaviors.
- Have trust issues.
How do you date someone who was abused by a narcissist?
A lot of signs that the victims show in a new relationship actually stem from having trust issues with people in general. This means that the person would have a difficult time in building trust with you. Therefore you should focus on building trust slowly and being patient definitely helps to let them know that they are safe and they could fall in love with someone and feel safe again.
How do victims of narcissistic abuse behave?
Victims of narcissistic abuse usually show signs of mood swings and trust issues as they find it very difficult to trust people in general. They are always in defensive mode and they think that everyone is going to hurt them.
How do narcissists punish their victims?
Silent treatment, emotional blackmail, and abuse through words are some of the common ways narcissists punish their victims. They also have the tendency to gaslight you and as a result, you would be questioning yourself more and have less trust in your own gut feelings.
