Dating During Divorce: 5 Reasons Why I Said No to a Date

Some people may think that dating during divorce is not a bad thing because people can be going through difficult times and getting to know them then would expose you to their dark side early on.

Struggles bring people together and you will have a better understanding of the person that you’re dating when you are with them during their downtown.

However, if you are a 35 and single woman in your 30s looking for a partner, it would be a good idea to consider someone who is going through a divorce for various reasons but here are the five reasons why I rejected the date that was going through a divorce although I initially thought “he gave me his number is he interested“.

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I’m Jasveena and I have been blogging since 2013, documenting my experience as well as helpful professional resources and tips I found online in seeking meaningful relationships and connections, and I am here to share them with you so that you are not alone in cruising through this journey called life that may seem like a lonely path.

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My Experience

So, ever since dating in the year 2017, as a 35 and single woman, whose goal is to date to marry, I have come across a lot of people who went through separation and even those who are going through divorce processes.

Initially, I was very apprehensive about dating someone who had been married before, but later in my dating journey, I actually changed my perception towards divorced people, as I thought that they deserved second chances. 

I viewed people who went through divorce or marital issues just like anyone else who has been through breakups. I thought that we should not penalize them for having failed marriages. However, after trying to date a few people who have been through divorces, I changed my mind because I often felt that they were not completely ready for a relationship.

It also takes a tremendous level of understanding, especially from single women who have not been married before to understand partners who have been married before. This is especially true for people who are going through divorces because divorces are a messy process and it requires isolation for people to completely heal from them.

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Snapshot of conversation on Bumble
Snapshot of conversation on Bumble where I rejected dating during divorce

Dating During Divorce: 5 Reasons Why I Said No to a Date 

  1. Kids Are Involved

If you come across people who are dating during divorce and they have kids, as a single woman, it triggers you a lot especially if you’ve not prepared yourself to deal with someone who was married before and already has kids.

This is because they are completely different from you in terms of lifestyle because once kids are involved, your life is never the same anymore.

Not everyone can handle the pressure of dating somebody who is going to divorce and also someone who has kids involved in the process as well.

You also do not want to be influencing their decision to co-parent the kids in any way possible. It should be the couple’s decision when it comes to co-parenting and if you have already entered the picture while they are going through divorce, you may knowingly or unknowingly influence the outcome.

  1. Emotional Dumping May Happen 

To be honest, one of the reasons why people are dating during divorce is actually to obtain emotional support from a new partner. Therefore, emotional dumping may happen as your partner looks for you every time they are going through the emotional turmoil that is arising due to their divorce process.

People who have been married for a long time have always been used to having a partner when they are going through ups and downs. However, when that partner is now being separated from them, they cannot deal with the loneliness.

Unless you are really prepared, you will not be able to fully understand what people going through divorce feel like because you have not gone through marriage before.

  1. Your Date May Not Be Emotionally Over With The Wife

We have seen a lot of people reconciling with their partners even during divorce processes because people change their minds. The problem is, when you bump into your partner, you may actually not know what transpired in their lives prior to that. 

If he is really angry at his partner, he might have been seeking a new companion at that point in time without really thinking much about what he wants to do next. 

This is especially true if he is not emotionally over with his partner, (technically his wife because they are still married).

  1. Divorce Terms and Alimony Involved – You May Not Want To Know

When people are going through a divorce, they would be discussing divorce terms and any alimony involved.

This will trigger you emotionally because seeing your potential partner having to fork out money for their previous partner and making commitments to still take care of them will not be a comfortable situation.

You also do not want to knowingly or unknowingly influence the decisions that the couples are making.

  1. It Is A Huge Shift In Dating Experience For Singles

Last but not least, the reason why I think single women would find it hard with men dating during divorce is because it’s a huge shift in dating experience. 

Until and unless you have gone through a divorce yourself, you will never know what it takes or even what it feels like. From kids, alimony, and messy divorce processes, people need a lot of time to properly heal before stepping into the dating scene again.

I understand that it can be lonely and it is not a crime to try dating during divorce. However, as a single woman, it may not be a great experience dating those who are going through divorce.

Men Dating During Divorce: What You Should Consider Before Dating Them?

  1. Are They Emotionally Stable Yet? 

One of the primary things to look into when you consider dating someone going through a divorce is to see if they are emotionally stable yet. This is because a lot of people going through divorce are not emotionally stable and need time to heal on their own.

Make sure you are not being used as a placeholder while they are going through the divorce process. You wouldn’t want to hear the arguments about his divorce day in and day out. 

  1. Are They Sure of Their Decision?

If a guy has just started to talk about the divorce process with his current partner, things may not be confirmed yet because either one of them could be emotionally driven and have taken this decision.

As you know, divorce processes can be long and ugly, and you may not know what will happen along the way. Are you willing to wait that long to finally marry your partner?

  1. How Do They Treat Their Current Partner?

This is one of the plus points of dating someone through the ugly times because you will be able to see how they treat their current partner. Are they complaining about them to you all the time? Are they comparing them to you even? 

It is to say that how they behave at this point of time during the hardship is how they will behave with you in the future if the both of you have problems to handle together.

Are they abandoning the kids? Are they taking responsibility for the kids?

  1. Can They Meet Your Needs?

All said and done, what you should focus on is to see if they can meet your needs. This is because unmet expectations and needs in a relationship can strain you mentally.

If they are not able to give you what you need in a relationship, and if you need to do the 80% to hold them up during their difficult time, it can take a toll on your mental health because you are giving your 80% into the relationship early on.

This goes to show that you need to invest a lot emotionally early on in the relationship and you should be patient enough to weather the storm together so that your partner will get better.

The Only Thing People Should Do Before Dating During Divorce 

So what should people do when they have decided to get a divorce from their partner? Do not date. 

If you do not want to start a relationship with the messy debris from your past relationship, you should focus on healing and going for therapy if needed so that you do not bleed on people who do not cut you.

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FAQs

Is it OK to date while going through divorce?

You should focus on finalizing your divorce because this would serve as a relief for your new partner because they do not need to handle the messy situation that comes with a divorce, especially if you have kids with your current partner.

Is dating while separated cheating?

It can look harmless to date while being separated but as per the law, the both of you are still married although you are separated. Therefore, it does not matter if you are on good terms with your partner or not, dating while separated is adultery because you are still married to someone else.

Can you fall in love while going through a divorce?

Forming romantic feelings for another person while going through a divorce is possible, and we all know so many people doing this because they just want to go to the next best thing without taking time to heal. 

Why is dating after divorce so hard?

Dating after divorce can be difficult because even if you have healed completely, and if you have gone through therapy, finding people who can accept you for who you are at this point can be difficult. It is also because you will have a lot of negative emotions like pain, anger, and regret that may arise from the experience of going through a divorce.

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