I Date To Marry in My 30s: My 5 Proven Effective Mindsets

Date to marry is such a terrible idea as it eliminates the possibility of nurturing an organic relationship, a connection that comes easily.

I’m sure you’ve heard of this before and possibly your friends would have said that if you go into the dating scene with the hope of wanting to date to marry, you would scare men off!

But deep inside you know that you want to settle down and you do not want to be strung along by wishy-washy guys.

How do I date to marry without seeming desperate for the outcome?

As someone who has been in the dating scene since 2017 on multiple dating apps and also dating offline, I have a lot of stories to tell, and here’s how I transitioned from date to marry, to dating just to get to know people first, and again dating to marry! (Yes, coz I’ve tried all sorts of ways before 🤷🏽‍♀️).

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I’m Jasveena and I have been blogging since 2013, documenting my experience as well as helpful professional resources and tips I found online in seeking meaningful relationships and connections, and I am here to share them with you so that you are not alone in cruising through this journey called life that may seem like a lonely path.

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My Experience

People tend to shame those who want to date to marry because apparently, they would look desperate. I have gone on dating apps before 2020 to look for someone to date to marry. 

I would then ask them if their intentions of being on the apps and this is coming from a place of wanting to fast-forward the connection. However, I landed on discreet dates a lot because revealing intentions first landed me in trouble by attracting fuckboys a lot, who then pretend to also be looking for a relationship.

The other mistake that I made was to date only one person at a time and also to waste a couple of months with someone and then find it difficult to move forward when finally I learned that they were not keen to get married🤦.

After that, I do not state my intention on dating apps, and I do not ask them if they are dating to marry because their actions would speak louder.

I also became very selective of my energy and do not just go out on dates for the sake of it because people who go out on dates without an end goal in mind especially in their late 30s are going to suck your energy off and string you along to just have something casual or go with the flow.

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Date To Marry: 5 Ways To Do I Right 

  1. Don’t Catch Feelings With Situationships

For all those people who think that dating to marry is cringy, just imagine how many people out there do not want a serious relationship but also do not have the guts to tell that upfront to people. 

Men usually do not admit that they are just looking for something casual because they are afraid of being slut-shamed. So, they go like “Yeah, I am dating to find a relationship but I’m not in a hurry and I would like to just go with the flu and see how two people connect first”.

Basically, you will just get a long-winded answer instead of just a simple “Yes, I date to marry”.

Let’s see you get to know this person and weeks go into months and you do not want to pressure them because you like talking to them and you think that this is gonna lead to something substantial, you will land yourself in a situationship. 

A lot of women actually find themselves in this messy entanglement of emotions and then wonder why do guys like situationships.

This is because men are enjoying the privilege that you give them without even having to commit to you. Therefore, if you do not make your intentions clear that you want to date to marry, a lot of men will just string you along thinking that they can take you for granted, dismissing your standards and expectations in relationships.

  1. Don’t Seem and Be Desperate 

One of the reasons why people say you should not date to marry is because it adds a lot of pressure and expectations to the connection that has just been made between two people.

Nobody wants to go on a first date asking them if they would like to marry us. Nobody should also go on a first date wanting to quickly see if this person is someone they would like to get married to.

Dating is actually a discovery phase where you would want to explore more about the person and understand them without judgment. You just want to see who they are, if they walk their talk if you like being with them, and if you would like to see them again.

The other reason why you should not portray yourself that you are desperate to date to marry is because you wouldn’t know someone and their intentions until and unless you have dated them.

This means, that people can say a lot of things when they first start talking to you and then you will find that their actions do not match their words.

“But you told me that you want to date to marry!”. Well, take it from me who have gone through a lot of dates where people do not turn out to be who they say they are! 

You cannot escape from getting cheated on or being lied to because you cannot control what people tell you but you can certainly control how you react towards people who lie.

  1. Do Not Entertain FWBs and Situationships

I learned this the hard way because I was so invested in situationships because I thought that I had amazing chemistry with people that could turn out to be relationships but at the end of the day, I was just being strung along by men who were already dating others.

And, needless to say, the emotional aftermath was terrible and it is definitely equivalent to getting over a relationship because we have invested emotions and some sort of connection with these people. 

So, if you want to date to marry, do not go into messy arrangements of even friends with benefits and all that s*** because that is not what you are looking for.

  1. Stay On The Apps For A Bit Before First Date

Now, contrary to popular opinions that say you should go on a date as soon as you have matched with someone on dating apps to avoid this becoming textuationship, I think we should stay for a bit on the apps. 

I fully agree with the fact that you shouldn’t be relying too much on text messages to avoid having a false perception of someone.

However, try to stay on the apps to utilize features like video calls or even voice calls before you actually exchange numbers with men on dating apps. This is actually to screen them for a bit to see if you actually like them and if it is worth going out with them.

Why do guys on dating apps want your number immediately?

I’ve come across people who lied about their age and quickly wanted to meet up on the first day we started chatting on the dating app, and in order to avoid situations like this, it is safe to say that you should take about at least a week to get to know them on the apps before you meet them.

This is to avoid you wasting your precious energy on people that are not worth your time. Ask them essential questions but in a subtle way so that they don’t feel that you are testing their intention. 

“How has the app been treating you?” – you will prompt them to tell you their experience being on the app, and if they are frustrated by not finding anyone serious, you will know from their response.

One thing I noticed about men who are not serious – they won’t initiate many conversations with you if they kinda know you are not up for physical intimacy immediately. So, do not bother initiating conversation with them too. Just leave them where they are.

  1. Do Not Take Failures Personally and Enjoy Dating

I know it’s easier said than done but failures in dating shouldn’t deter you from dating. Don’t have a stringent deadline for wanting to settle down and have kids because it will make you seem desperate. Don’t rush through the process. Ease into love and take dating as a discovery process about yourself too. Focus on building the 12 types of intimacy in various ways while you are dating someone.

When you date to marry, you’ll forget that it’s a process and you want to make it the destination. You wouldn’t imagine being in a relationship and breaking up with them a year later. However, it’s something you can’t control and all you can do is take chances with the person you love and put yourself out there courageously.


When should you date to marry?

You should date to marry in your 30s onwards as most people in their 20s are just discovering themselves. Usually, couples date two to three years before getting engaged or married.

What does it mean to marry to date?

This is a courtship process where the importance of courtship must not be undermined. People go on a few dates to try to develop romantic feelings, usually with the men courting the women, and they decide if it is good to enter a long-term relationship. The courtship process will decide if you both are compatible. 

What is it called when you date to marry?

Courtship is the term coined for the process of getting to know each other when you date to marry, and traditionally, this process lasts for up to three months, where after this stage, the two people would decide to enter into a long-term relationship and shortly get engaged afterward. 

Is dating to marry a good idea?

It is a good strategy but only if you do it without having any expectations of the outcome, because usually people tend to develop stress when having a deadline in wanting to settle down, but when a deadline is not present, people tend to string others along while dating endlessly. So, identifying the intentions of people is crucial in dating.

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