Are you in your 30s trying to find a companion or life partner for a committed long-term relationship? Have you tried everything that you could from being on dating apps to putting yourself out there in events and gatherings just to find yourself disappointed with the entire process over and over again?
A lot of dating coaches and gurus out there talk about the importance of being on dating apps and actually moving out of your comfort zone to go to places that you have never been in order to find a connection with people that otherwise you would not meet in real life.
But then, are you just second tired of merely going hiking just to put yourself out of your comfort zone? Are you on the dating apps but dreading the process of talking to people? Does it feel like your soul screaming that this is not for you and you do not want to do this?
I have been there and I have forced myself to do things that I don’t like until I found the sweet spot but between moving out of my comfort zone and staying true to my intuition and needs. Because, obviously, what do you think is the success rate like by trying to talk to random strangers at the local bar without knowing if they are looking for what you’re looking for?
I’m Jasveena and I have been blogging since 2013, documenting my experience as well as helpful professional resources and tips I found online in seeking meaningful relationships and connections, and I am here to share them with you so that you are not alone in cruising through this journey called life that may seem like a lonely path.
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Where To Find A Companion (A No-Nonsense Guide)?
One of the advisors that I truly hate is to find a companion at the local bars because you find a lot of people there and you can strike up a conversation with strangers and potentially find the love of your life and live a Happily-Ever-After life. Honestly, there is no guarantee that only singles would attend bars, and if you’re serious about finding a partner this would potentially lead to more disappointment.
Why Some Methods Just Don’t Work?
1. All these methods of pretending not to look for what you’re looking for and miraculously finding somebody out of nowhere are actually suitable for someone who is okay with being single and they are not really planning to find somebody soon. If you are looking for a job in the IT sector, you wouldn’t be sending a resume to hospitals, right? Hospitals need IT professionals, and the chances for you to land a job with an IT company are far higher as obviously, they have more openings for people like you.
2. Start by thinking about where ideally you could meet people just like you looking for a companion. If you’re like me who enjoys going to yoga and most likely meet women more than men, you cannot ditch your hobbies or change your interests with the end goal of finding an interest that would enable you to meet people of the opposite sex (if you’re straight).
- Through Mutual Friends
One of the most effective ways that does not seem awkward but is also Highly Effective is actually to go through your mutual friends because your friends know you better than anyone else, and asking them to introduce their single friends to you actually eliminates a lot of effort from your end because you do not have to go about thinking if this person is single or if he is looking for someone at this point of time.
This is because someone introduced through your friend would most likely be more trustworthy as your friend would have vet through his profile before you and you would save a lot of time and potentially heartache dating a terrible person. Even if the both of you do not end up together, there is a higher chance for it to be a good experience getting to know each other, as you would not need to deal with Wishy Washy guys and people whose intentions is not clear.
2. Through Dating Apps
Now, whether you like it or not, dating apps have definitely connected people and helped them build beautiful families. It is actually where single people can be found. I have to agree that dating apps can be extremely challenging especially when it comes to combing through the endless possibilities of profiles that you can come across and identifying people who are genuine.
My point is that dating apps are definitely a place where you can come across people who are single and are looking for long-term relationships. You would be surprised that some of your old college friends are on dating apps because when life has gotten busy, a lot of us have forgotten to keep in touch with old friends although they could still be on our social media like Facebook and Instagram.
You definitely are not going to message each and every one of your friends from social media trying to find out if they are single, are you?
3. Through Your Old Connections
Now, that being said, it could be a good idea to rekindle old relationships and friendships like people that you have met at college or your first workplace. You wouldn’t know what they are up to right now or if they have settled down. A simple “hey, how are you, I came across your profile this morning and I was thinking about how life is treating you lately”, can help to warm up conversation and you would be able to re-kindle friendships.
It’s easier for you to get to know your old friend from a romantic perspective this time around because you have known them and the connection has been established from a long time ago and this would help to create a sense of trust and security.
Have you ever checked the “Meet-Up” app before? It is where I found events in my area and I found a group of interest lately, which seems to be fun and interesting. Now, this can also be applied to singles meet-up events where you could meet single people just like you and exchange contacts.
Depending on where you live, you may find more or fewer events like this happening. But, if this is something common where you live come on you should take advantage of this and attend events that are specifically meant for single people just like you because it definitely connects people who have the same intention. Cause, why waste time going to bars not knowing if you would need someone single when you can attend events like this where you surely can meet a lot of them at one go?
How To Increase The Chances of Finding Someone That You’re Looking For?
- Stop pretending like you’re not looking for what you are looking for
I cannot begin to explain how toxic this advice can be although I do understand that it is meant to eliminate the desperate vibe people have in them in order to find a companion. However, what a lot of people end up doing is pretending like they do not need someone for themselves in their lives, and acting cool like single has never bothered them. If you do not make active efforts to have your needs met, you will not have what you’re looking for.
2. Stop saying if it is meant to be it will happen
A lot of single people actually do not put effort into getting to know people because they do not want to be disappointed. They don’t put themselves out there they don’t actively seek for what they want but miraculously think that one day they’re gonna find the love of their life and live happily ever after. Like if you’re not being laser-focused on what you want and how your life should be, chances are you are just going to live life as it is without successfully bringing in the change that you want.
3. Do not just go with the flow
I’m sure you have seen this on a lot of dating profiles where people say that they are just going with the flow. People who are just going with the flow are okay with anything from Friends with Benefits to being just friends or even relationships that may not go very far. So, if you’re looking for specifically a long-term relationship and something serious, stick to what you want and assess if the people that you’re talking to want the same thing.
However, do not reveal your intention first on dating apps because you may be strung along by people who want discreet dates.
4. Be open to dating people who are not necessarily your type exactly
I’m not saying that you should force yourself to date someone that you’re not comfortable with. If you are definitely not comfortable with divorcees, or someone younger than you, then you could definitely stick by your principles and needs. Honor your boundaries and cut feelings.
One way you can test this is actually by going out on dates with these kinds of people just to see if you are okay with exploring or if you would like to just stick by your principles. Doing these would reveal if your dating ick is something valid or merely avoidant attachment style.
What Not To Do When Finding A Partner
- Getting desperate
I know it can be extremely tiring putting yourself out there or even explaining yourself over and over again to a new person to the point where you feel like a tape record repeating the same thing all over again. Have you felt like writing or recording an introduction about yourself to give it to potential dates so that you do not need to repeat yourself? You are not alone. LOL.
One way to actually not get desperate is to reassure yourself that you have done everything that you could to vet people that you are dating. You have done your best and the outcome is definitely not something that you can control. If you’re afraid of the game, how can you even think of winning it?
By putting yourself out there dating people come on, you actually winning half of the battle. Give yourself a pat on the back for this.
2. Getting frustrated and giving up altogether (you will channel the disappointment on potential dates)
When you are frustrated, it is important to take a break and make sure you take care of your feelings come on process them, and release them from your system. After this, go on new dates, and do not bring the past frustration into your present experience with a new person.
As much as your brain wants to figure out things the soon it can, let people reveal themselves and take this as a process of exploration and discovery about a new person. It may take at least a couple of months to get comfortable with someone or even to make sense of who they are a bit. Even then, people change throughout their lifetime, so do not get too fixated on who they are right now.
3. Hanging on to the outcome of the Dating process
Just because you have done the right things in your dating journey, healed yourself from past hurts, and tried to date the right person in order to increase the chance of meeting people who fill your needs and wants, you cannot highly expect a positive result favoring you. When we do the right things and make sure that we do not self-sabotage in finding a companion, we actually increase the chance of finding success but the ultimate outcome is something differently uncertain.
We all do not have control over life. You could be the most hard-working person you ever knew when it comes to personal fitness but you can still die of a heart attack, and this is something that you cannot control.
Likewise, letting go of the outcome actually builds your muscle of tolerance to things that are not certain in life and this is definitely a skill that a lot of people are still struggling with. Take this as an opportunity to work on that muscle.
I have predominantly been on dating apps and definitely have also made efforts to get to know people from my family and friends throughout these years. But what actually works better is knowing my non-negotiables and eliminating people from my list as fast as I can which actually helps to reduce dating fatigue.
Also, when I meet someone who fits my personality and needs, I do give it some time to let them reveal themselves and take it as an exploration phase where we get to know each other without being too worried about potentially wasting time (because what if he is not the right one?) because it does take some time before we can exactly tell who they are.
No amount of dating advice out there would actually be able to substitute your own intuition because your situation could be distinctively different from what people experience. So, I make it a point to listen to my gut feelings to lead the way.
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Where can you find a companion?
Talk with your social network- family and friends play a crucial role here in helping you connect with potential single people that they know in their lives. This also eliminates the potential of meeting people with bad intentions, because usually when they are being introduced by family members or friends, some level of accountability is involved here because people do not want to have that impression on them.
Are there sites for companionship?
There are various sites where you can look for companionship. WINK is just like Tinder but for friends. There are sites for single but older people and sites for those who are divorced, and depending on your situation and needs, you can very much find apps and sites that are dedicated to connecting like-minded people depending on your criteria.
Should you find a companion?
Companionship is an essential component of a fulfilling social life. Whether it is a romantic companion or a companion that comes in the form of friendship and people that you get to know from a group of interests, these are all crucial forms of companionship that fulfill different parts of your social needs. From intellectual intimacy to emotional intimacy, we all need different people in our lives to enrich us with different experiences.
Is a companion a boyfriend?
Basically, in a companionship, two people are activity partners and hang out together doing things like going to the movies or having lunch together. So, a boyfriend can definitely be a companion, and usually a romantic partner is able to fill up quite a bit of the needs we have for survival like physical intimacy, emotional and probably intellectual intimacy.