Have you ever come across a wishy-washy guy who sends you long texts, long-winded answers and never ever comes to the point when answering questions like “Are you looking for something serious on this app?”, or “Are you looking to settle down with a partner?”
Instead of answering “Yes, I’m looking for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage in the future”, “I am dating to marry”, or even “No, I am looking for something casual at this moment and I do not have any plans for a serious relationship”, the go like:
“I have been single for a long time and I have not been using dating apps before. I am new here and I am open to exploring genuine connections. We will have to be friends first and see how it goes from there. If the vibe is good, I am open to taking it further down the road.”
You will even see profile bios like – “positive vibes only”, and “seeking for genuine connections and like-minded people”.
If you’re new to dating, just like me in the past when I started dating about a decade ago, you will be very much confused with their wishy-washy answers, and you would be drawn to the seemingly positive attitude that they have or even great communication skills that you noticed in them which would make you forget about the red or even the yellow flags.
Your brain would be playing tricks on you by saying “What if they are actually genuine, what if you are judging them too fast, what if you need to see them in order to gauge them better”. And then you would forget about the yellow flag that you have noticed about them. You would also be very reluctant to bring up topics like serious relationships, dating preferences, marriage, or children even after going on a date for a few times.
You would then be strung along by this wishy-washy guy who doesn’t know what he wants or maybe he knows what he wants which is definitely not a long-term relationship, and you would be having anxiety soon, with your unmet expectations and feeling unsure where this is leading to as you are just going with the flow.
Over the years, I have learned how to deal with guys that I seemingly like but definitely not the ones that make me feel absolutely good and peaceful as they seem to be wishy-washy. Nevertheless, I have this tendency to give my best and not want to miss out on great guys by cutting them off early. I then found a way to deal with them which has made my dating journey a lot less stressful and I’m here to share that with you in the hope that it helps you with your journey.
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Who Are Wishy Washy Guys?
Wishy Washy guys are the ones that usually make you feel really good in the early part of the dating process. They do not give you a clear-cut answer to serious questions like “What are you looking for in a relationship?”. They show great interest in getting to know you or even meeting you in person, making you think that they are interested in you and they are invested in the process of dating you. However, as Matthew Hussey says, attention is not intention and intention is not a sign of commitment.
In short, it will be really difficult to identify the intention of wishy washy guy. Over the years, I have learned that identifying the actual intention of a guy is of paramount importance in dating in order to avoid wasting time on guys who are not serious, especially for women over 30 who know what they want in life.
What Are the Yellow Flags?
No, coming to the yellow flags – what exactly are the yellow flags? You must have heard of the red flags and the green flags coming up but what exactly do we mean with the yellow flags and why do people struggle with handling yellow flags in dating?
Yellow flags are essentially signs that you should proceed with caution when dating this particular guy. They are not signs that ask you to stop dating them immediately, but they also indicate that you have to get to know this guy a little bit more before proceeding to get to know them further.
Red flags like narcissism, differences in religious beliefs, preferences in children, and probably preferences for polyamorous relationship – these are all things that are pretty straightforward and will tell you that this guy is definitely not for you so that you can then move on peacefully to the next guy.
Yellow flags are things like someone not having a clear timeline to settle down, someone not sure if they can commit to dating you in person or even getting to know your family and friends – these can seem like yellow flags because let’s just say if you ask a guy what he is looking for on a dating app and he says he is looking for a relationship but first he wants to get to know someone and be friends with them (and your mindvoice goes like “I already have enough friends!” LOL) and see how things go from there, it may not necessarily seem like a bad thing.
But deep down you also know that this person has not given a clear-cut answer because you know for a fact that you would tell someone that you are looking for a serious relationship upfront and you don’t have problems in saying that! So, you tend to doubt the way he answers your question but you also feel reluctant to turn him down.
In short, you encounter yellow flags when you do not feel good about something but are not sure what to do with it yet.
How To Identify the Love Intention of a Wishy Washy Guys That You Actually Like? (Based On What Worked Through My Experience)?
The first thing to do when you encounter yellow flags from guys that you’re not sure about is to never discount your intuition. Do not look past the yellow flags. Always remember to counter-verify the information given by them as soon as you can.
The second thing to do when handling people who are not being upfront with their thoughts is to be assertive and not feel guilty about setting boundaries with them.
How exactly to do it depends very much on the questions that you need to ask guys in order to get the answers that you’re looking for.
For instance, if you have noticed that they are avoiding topics around seeing serious relationships, you can send them, probably, reels from Instagram that talk about relationships and start with subtle questions like “What do you think about living together as a couple?” or any other questions that you have on mind.
From my experience, I bumped into a guy who was pretending to be also looking for a serious relationship. Knowing the fact that any guy who wants something casual and just wants to get into women’s pants would not turn down conversations on something casual, I then asked him if he is open to casual relationships where there are no strings attached.
With feigned slight shock, he tried to see what I meant by casual relationship (of course, I knew he was pretending to be innocent) and when I clearly stated that it was with benefits sort of relationship, he said he was new to this but he is open to exploring!
There you go! I have my answers and I know that I can skip him peacefully without having to doubt my decisions.
In some cases, guys will refuse to give you the answers that you’re looking for when you are asking subtle questions. In this case, you may need to resort to a more direct question – very straightforward and demand explanations from them.
When I was strung by a guy in the past who refused to be consistent in texting and making plans to meet up, I sent a text like this:
“Hello. It’s been a while since we spoke over the phone. I hope you have read my messages above as I have not received your responses yet. It’s been great to get to know you and I’m interested in getting to know you further.
As you know, I’m looking for something serious and I would like to have consistent communication in order to see if we are a good match. However, if you are not invested in this process and you cannot commit to consistent communication, I’m afraid we need to part with and put into this get-to-know process.
Text me only if you are interested in taking this further genuinely and if you are on the same page as me”.
And, guess what? I did not hear from him anymore.
Why Do We Get Strung Along by Wishy Washy Guys?
· The romance is great – A lot of women who are new to dating or even women in their thirties who have not dated a lot have not experienced great romance in their life. So when a dashing guy comes along, they are addicted to the highs and lows of the person. This keeps them stuck with men who are not ready to settle down as they think that they will not be able to find a “connection” like this with others in the future. Women are also confused with the love bombing then ghosting behaviours.
· Don’t fall in love potential – I’m sure we have heard this from a lot of Dating Gurus but still make the same mistake over and over again. We get strong along by guys who do not have a genuine interest because we think that they might be suitable candidates for us. We see them being well-read, having great communication skills, stable in life, and probably so many other seemingly green flags that make us forget about the red and yellow flags.
· Not asking for clarifications and then frustratingly wondering why do guys like situationships? – a lot of time women get frustrated when they are strung along by guys and then wonder why guys like to be in situationships without realizing that women actually enable this to happen as they do not ask for clarifications.
· Not identifying the intention of a man although they seem to be invested in getting to know us – it is fine to go on a date with Wishy Washy guy but watch if they are being consistent.
Are they sending you good morning texts, are they being consistent with making future plans with you, are they interested in meeting your family and friends or are they just randomly making plans to fill their time at their own convenience? If you are not careful about this, you will end up with discreet dates.
One Thing To Always Remember When Dating
You will never know if someone is genuine from the first date itself. It takes a few dates and it takes a few weeks and months to identify if someone is being consistent with their words and actions. Until then, you cannot let romance and the things they do to impress you in order to influence your emotions and judgments. If you can control your emotions and stay firm with your wants and needs in dating, a Wishy-Washy guy will never be a huge problem to deal with.
What are wishy-washy traits?
They are having no clear, firm ideas, principles, or noticeable qualities of any type when it comes to serious relationships. They seem to be open to any sort of relationship and this type of guys will seem to be fun to be with and attractive as they are happy-go-lucky. This is where a lot of women will get confused and strung along by Wishy Washy people.
How do you respond to a wishy-washy person?
Tips For Dealing with Wishy-Washy People
- Do not feel guilty about feeling bad – your feelings are there to actually guide you in order to make better decisions. As much as you want to have positive feelings toward this person, that may not be the reality. So, let your emotions guide you, and don’t feel bad about your negative emotions.
2. Clarify why they are making plans with you – it could probably take three or four dates spanning around months even before you find out that this person is not looking for something serious. Even if someone asks you out, clarify the intentions as much as possible and watch the actions.
3. Call out on their behavior – Conflicts will only drive people who are not ready for a relationship away. If you think that they are not giving you answers in a direct manner, call out on the behavior and see how they respond to it.
4. Consider if it is worth giving them a chance – if you think that you see a reason to see if they are being genuine with you – like possible qualities on paper that match with your expectation, set a timeline for yourself in order to identify their intention so that you do not waste for the time on them if they are not a good match.
5. Use subtle questions and increase the intensity if needed – it may be awkward to start off with direct questions when interrogating their intention. Use references like films and current events to talk about relationships and then suddenly ask questions to clarify their intention.
6. Impose firmness if needed – you may need to assert firmness if they are not giving you direct answers. Let them know that you have to end things with them if they are not on the same page as you. If they care about you, they will make the initiative to communicate and convince you with changed behavior.
What causes someone to be wishy-washy?
When someone lacks the strength to stand up for his or her own beliefs, he or she will mask emotions and intentions so that they would not be the victim of s*** shaming.
The society judges people who are merely looking for physical intimacy and nothing more than that.
How do you tell if a man is using you for convenience?
Signs You’re Being Used
- The person makes plans out of their convenience.
- They do not consider your preferences and impose theirs on you.
- They take more from you than they give in a relationship.
- They ghost you after their needs have been met.