When dating, wanting to build an organic relationship is usually the preference of most people. However, for women, it can be a challenge especially when men use “going with the flow” and “organic relationship” – both these terms interchangeably.
As time goes by, a lot of women start having anxiety because they are not sure if the men are invested in the process of getting to know which leads to something substantial. Are they getting to know for the sake of killing time? Is there love intention behind the efforts?
“How do I stay true to myself as I desire an organic relationship, but also make sure that I’m not strung along in the process?” Are you feeling the same way right now and as you are confused between these two situations and finding ways to distinguish men wanting a genuine relationship?
I’m Jasveena and I have been blogging since 2013, documenting my experience as well as helpful professional resources and tips I found online in seeking meaningful relationships and connections, and I am here to share them with you so that you are not alone in cruising through this journey called life that may seem like a lonely path.
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- Why The Confusion Between Going With The Flow And Building An Organic Relationship?
- What’s Going With The Flow?
- What’s Building An Organic Relationship?
- Essential Indicators Of Things Going Wrong In Dating
- What To Do When You Want More Out Of Dating Process?
- When To Cut Them Off?
- Giving Them Time – Is This A Myth Or A Valid Consideration?
- My Experience
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Why The Confusion Between Going With The Flow And Building An Organic Relationship?
The primary reason why people have always been confused between going with the flow and building an organic relationship is because, in both these situations, people actually take time to get to know each other. However, the intentions of people can be different.
So, although people take time to get to know each other it’s usually a few weeks or months until you identify the real intention by looking at how things progressing (or not). So, identifying the intention of people is the key to resolving the confusion in this case.
The second reason why the confusion between these situations happens is that there is no clearly defined way of progressing the get-to-know process or putting an end to it if things are not going in the right direction.
We fear asking serious questions, like life goals, financial standings, family background, and a lot more conversations that could be uncomfortable to discuss with potential partners in the fear that we would finally identify red flags and have to put an end to things.
Key aspects to focus on when dating:
- Is the dating process progressing? Are you still texting each other occasionally every week? Have you moved on to phone calls and in-person meet-ups?
- Are you getting closer to each other every day and opening up about things that matter to you in a relationship?
- Are you prioritizing asking questions about your values and non-negotiables so that you can put an end to things early on if you are not a match for each other?
- Have you spoken about timelines and have you identified what the other person wants moving forward in this process?
“How long do you take in getting to know someone?” and “How soon are you ready to settle down with someone once you have defined the relationship?”
Try asking these questions to your partner after a few weeks of dating and getting to know each other. You wouldn’t want to date someone who is actually reluctant to settle down if that is what you are looking for. So, asking these questions would save you from heartache.
If you are like me, after spending a few months getting to know someone, and finally realizing that the momentum is not building up, there is no serious conversation about relationship preference and defining the relationship, you will be frustrated because you are losing time and energy focusing on the wrong person for stop.
What’s Going With The Flow?
I have seen a lot of people use the term going with the flow, and a lot of dating coaches agree that when someone says that they are just going with the flow, they are actually not having anything in mind yet.
“I need to be friends first to see where it leads to” – I have heard this way too many times and I cannot tell you how much I hate this as it is a classic example of someone avoiding answering a clear yes or no to a question of “what they are looking for” or “if they are looking for a serious relationship”.
As adults, we all have friends and nobody would go to a dating app in order to find friends. Even Bumble has its own version of finding best friends and communities within the app where people can find new friends and just people to hang around with.
So, the next time someone refuses to communicate directly about their interest in getting settled down and married to someone they are dating, run the opposite direction immediately!
What’s Building An Organic Relationship?
Building an organic relationship means that you are taking things slow when getting to know someone new. You prefer not to rush things out and make sure that the connection between the two of you happens without pressure. In other words, you are easing into it.
It is also crucial that you do not make decisions hastily and think through your emotions first. when you go on a date, you may have a very good impression of someone on the first date. Perhaps, the second or third date could turn out to be a bit boring.
But as time goes by, your intuition about this person grows stronger and stronger. You may identify things that you like about them and your opinion could then change. This is the reason why building an organic relationship without pressure is crucial and it takes a little bit of time.
Essential Indicators Of Things Going Wrong In Dating
- When you have not spoken about exclusivity even after two months of dating – you have no clue about whether they are dating someone else apart from you or not and you have not gathered the courage to talk about it yet.
- You have no clue what they do on a daily basis and what their life looks like apart from the time you spend together on dates.
- You are still doing superficial communication that does not go beyond general day-to-day activities like what you have for lunch, what you have for dinner, and the boring good mornings.
- You both are not talking about how long each one of you needs in order to decide if you would want to move forward or end the get-to-know process.
- No introduction to family members and you basically do not know the people in this person’s life.
- As time goes by, a lot of people would feel comfortable exchanging social media links in order to get to know them better. If you are not feeling this way with them, it is an indication that things are moving too slowly with a Wishy-Washy guy.
What To Do When You Want More Out Of Dating Process?
You have to be comfortable with getting uncomfortable. Asking for what you want may result in your potential partner not reciprocating your needs and this could lead to you both needing to end the dating process.
You have to understand that putting your needs and yourself first, is the essential step in ensuring that you are not ending up being strung along by a guy possibly on discreet dates.
Ask them about a little bit of serious questions indirectly. You can lower the intensity of the situation by asking things indirectly.
Instead of asking “Do you smoke?”, ask them “Can you stand people who smoke?”. Instead of asking “do you go for annual health check-ups?”, say “I read the news and it says a lot of youngsters are plagued by health issues, possibly due to annual health screenings – what do you think about this?”
If you need a more direct conversation on some topics that aren’t being explored fully yet, possibly like sexual preference, increase the intensity of the communication and ask things like “Intimacy is a large part of a relationship, and I thought of exploring your opinions about it to see if we both are on the same page”.
When To Cut Them Off?
Prioritize your values and your non-negotiables. Make a list of what you need in a relationship. Pick the top five that are your non-negotiables. Mine is communication, commitment, and connection. I should feel at ease being with them, and if this is not something I feel during the first two dates, then I call it quits.
Focus on identifying if your top values are something that aligns with his. It is crucial to not judge someone based on their lifestyle at the current moment as a single person.
They may not have a large house as they are currently single. You cannot rule them out thinking that they have not considered having a family because they have chosen a small house to live in.
Similarly, they may be spending a lot of time with friends because they are single. You cannot judge them based on what they are doing right now and assume that they wouldn’t be prioritizing you in a relationship.
Are they willing to compromise? Are they willing to discuss about difficult conversation? Are they talking about the future with the two of you in it? And how things will change for each one of you in the future? Is there any improvement when you voice out your concern to them?
If your values do not match and you cannot work on improving things, it is time to cut them off.
Giving Them Time – Is This A Myth Or A Valid Consideration?
Depending on where you live, how often you get to meet them can affect how fast your relationship progresses. Giving them time is only going to lead to more time wasted if you are just sitting around waiting for him to miraculously understand your concerns and change overnight.
If you have not done the difficult conversation, more time is not going to anything solid and substantial in the future. However, if you have discussed things that matter to you and they seem to be wanting to put in effort in making things work out with you, giving them time is a good way to gauge if they are walking their talk.
Depending on the intensity of the issue, you need to decide how much time you gonna give this person. If you have voiced out that time spent together is important in a relationship, and they have promised to improve on that, you should ideally see changes within a week or two. If it is about something financial, it may take a longer time to see improvements.
I have wasted at least two to three months waiting for someone who has been love bombing then ghosting me in the past. Back then, I thought going with the flow was actually giving more time for an organic relationship to grow. However, I got nothing out of it and I learned my lesson the hard way, and therefore I advocate strongly for women to identify intention first.
What is the meaning of organic love?
It is a feeling of natural and authentic love between two (or more people). They do not feel forced about it. There is no external pressure like the timeline to settle down, pressure from the community, or even the fear of ending up alone. Both people allowed love to flow into their lives naturally.
What is organic dating?
Organic dating is a process of getting to know someone and to meet someone in the flesh. It is a pressureless process that just flows easily as both people hit it off the moment they meet naturally without having to impress each other. It usually involves meeting someone accidentally at family gatherings or when you are with a group of friends on a Friday night as opposed to meeting someone through dating apps.
What is a natural relationship?
A natural relationship is a relationship that is based on mutual understanding, trust, and respect. It happens without much planning and thought process to make things happen deliberately. In other words, it is effortless, and a connection is built between two people without much effort.
How do I stop craving romance?
3 practical tips to make you stop desiring a relationship badly:
- Surround yourself with people that you love and make it a habit to meet your friends at least once a week.
- Join activity-based groups where you get to meet more people, preferably people just like you who are single, so that you do not feel alone.
- Nurture your current connection with people that you love. You may have noticed that you are out of touch with a few friends from the past. Reach out to them and reconnect with them in order to feel less lonely in your life.