Why ‘I Don’t Need A Man’ Is Women’s Hyper Independence Trauma?

What is hyper-independence trauma?

“Can I pay for the date?” 

“I’m a strong independent woman focusing on my career, and I don’t need a man to pay for my bills”.

Bumble bio that reads: I’m a strong independent woman… (mine used to have this too 🫣).

“I don’t need you to open the door for me. I can do it myself”.

If you have asked or insisted on paying for a date because you feel bad having a man pay for it,

If you have stated that you’re a strong independent woman on your dating app bio,

If you have rejected help from a man thinking it’s an insult because you can do it on your own,

You might be affected by hyper-independence trauma by not knowing that feminism and chivalry can co-exist.

A lot of parents of kids influencers too have their kids say that they don’t need a prince in videos, thinking that it’s cute, without knowing that they are actually encouraging hyper independence which would affect their ability to receive love from partners.

We see movies like Aladdin with Jasmine being independent and not needing a guy setting a trend in encouraging and normalizing feminism.

However, let’s look at the real reasons why “I don’t need a man” leads to signs of hyper-independence trauma.

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What Is Hyper Independence Trauma and Why Does It Happen?

Hyper-independence trauma happens when someone thinks that they cannot rely on another human being and needs to have self-reliance, self-love, and independence in order to live life happily. 

It is also their safety net because they do not trust another person as people change and that’s a form of insecurity.

Let’s look at why women think they don’t need men in life

1. She is afraid of being judged for choosing to be single

In general, we grew up in a society that encourages having family units as the default way of living life as adults.

You were born, you grew up, you were told to go to school, and then universities, get a job, and then get married and have kids.

Now, this is how a vast majority of us live our lives. You are here on this blog reading this at this point in time also to understand why you have hyper-independence trauma, probably because you want to heal yourself and get into a healthy relationship.

However, in the past decade, we have been seeing a rise in the LGBTQ+ community and also in people choosing to be single or even becoming single mothers by choice.

People are choosing independence over family lives because of the complexity that the latter brings. Nevertheless, women are still being judged when they refuse to get married and have kids.

It could be because of this reason that women are afraid of acknowledging the fact that they want to stay single. 

Instead, women shift the blame on men by saying that men are becoming increasingly difficult to date, a lot of problems are caused by men in relationships, dating is becoming harder, and a lot of other various reasons to not want a man in their lives.

In actual reality, it is easier to shift the blame on men and give people realistic reasons why they desire not to get married as opposed to saying that they choose not to get married.

Because obviously, people would tend to say that they could find a nice person out there and they shouldn’t give up on love. So, in order to cut short the conversation, blame-shifting helps them to justify their decision.

2. She grew up in an abusive environment

Another reason why women think that they do not need men to live is because of their childhood when they have seen abusive men in families.

If you have been affected by domestic violence, and if you have seen your father or someone in the father figure treating women in your family very badly, this would have resulted in serious trauma that you might be carrying until today unless it has been resolved by therapy.

Women who have grown up in abusive situations will have a hard time opening up to men in relationships as they use hyper-independence trauma. First, love yourself – that is the motto they live by.

They think that allowing men into their lives will result in them losing independence and therefore prefer to live life alone.

3. She thinks all men are the same

If you have been in a complicated relationship with narcissistic men or just men who have given you trauma and a hard time, you will take longer to get into healthy relationships.

As soon as you end the traumatic relationship, there will be a phase where you would think all men are the same.

I had a hard time believing in men and love again after my breakup in 2013 because I hated men, I became a feminist who hated men and the idea of being vulnerable to men again.

Becoming focused on a career and also building independence is actually a shield against wanting to fall in love and be dependent on men. Therefore, people like this will feel that they do not need a man to live life.

4. She is an ultra-feminist who doesn’t believe in two genders needing each other

Now, equality and feminism have been around for quite some time whereby women have been fighting for better pay at work, menstrual leaves, and a lot more other women rights rights-related issues in this society. 

However, a part of feminism has also resulted in women being extreme in their fights for equality. This is especially true when it goes to the extent of believing that women are equal to men and that women do not need men to live life. Why should guys pay for everything in a relationship when women can take care of themselves?

Women and men can have fair treatment at work, and men can help women with household chores, but women and men are built differently and we need each other to fulfill our life for our emotional and physical needs.

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5. She thinks hating men will make it easier to embrace independence

What happens when you fall in love and you love the man and his family, and you start to compromise life a little bit in order to accommodate this guy into your life?

What happens when you integrate your life with him whereby you need to make a huge life change for him? And we all know that there is no guarantee of love and marriage, and we cannot control how people feel in a relationship.

So, in order to not lose the independence and freedom that a woman has when she is single when she hates men and she thinks that she doesn’t need them in her life, it makes it easy for her to embrace independence because now she doesn’t have anyone else to rely on. She is now her own backup plan, she needs to work hard and be independent.

6. She thinks wanting men and love is a weakness for women

With love comes risks and a lot of uncertainties that you may not want to get involved in if you are not strong enough for it. Women think that wanting men and love is a recipe for becoming weak.

They think that relying on men and expecting love as well as care from men is a sign of weakness and that women should always be filled with self-love and learn how to take care of themselves.

This is especially true for women who have been let down by men in relationships. Therefore, they have reduced their standards and expectations in relationships a lot to the extent that they think they do not need a man in their lives.

This includes buying gifts for themselves and making sure that they have allocated enough time for self-love routines like exercise, going to the salon, and pampering themselves because they think that men may not be doing that for them.

What To Do To Recover From Hyper Independence Trauma?

So, we have seen some of the reasons why women think that they do not need men in their lives. So come on what can they do in order to start embracing healthy relationships?

1. Date A Lot

If you have just gotten out of toxic relationships in the past, obviously you will have a lot of bitterness in you whereby you think that men are not dependable and you also subconsciously attract similar situations because you fear that it will happen to you again and again.

But then, put yourself out there, and date different people and people that are usually not your preference in order to rewire your brain and expose yourself to people from all walks of life so that you start believing that real men exist.

Just relax and do not get into the fight or light mode when dating and allow yourself to be treated well by men even if it means that he is paying for the date.

2. Make Friends With Those Having Good Married Lives

Have you seen that people who have friends who are married will also eventually find the love of their lives and get married?

I see this happening a lot and especially men who have friends that are married will also have a high tendency to find a partner and settle down.

You should definitely make friends with those having good married lives because that will inspire you and give you reasons to believe in love.

You may have come from a toxic family or a relationship but you need to rewire your perspective towards relationship and love, and for this to happen you need to expose yourself to a positive environment.

3. Embrace Sexuality and Femininity

When you are being defensive and you think that you need to embrace hyper-independence, it is a sign that you are in your masculine energy. If you are a woman, you need to embrace femininity because feminine energy teaches you to flow with life and trust your intuition more.

Dress well, go to yoga classes, learn belly dance or drawing. These are some of the activities that help you to stay connected with your feminine energy. It releases the stress from work and also being guarded all the time.

4. Trust You Will Be Fine Dating

One of the reasons why women feel that they do not need a man to open the door for them or even pay for the date is because they think men doing all these things would make them feel inferior and lose their self-respect.

You need to trust that you will be fine in the dating process and in letting your guard down as well as being vulnerable with people. This is because the right man will want to feel he is wanted and needed by you. 

The right man will be trustworthy. Trust that you will pick the right person to be vulnerable with and know how to vet through men in the process.

5. Believe That You’re Worthy Of Receiving Love

Men and women both need each other and it is absolutely not wrong for women to be treated well by men. Believe that you are worthy of receiving love and believe that the feminine energy in you is capable of receiving the care and love that it deserves.

When you insist on paying for dates or think that men should not do you favors, you think that feminism and chivalry cannot co-exist, when in reality you can still be independent and accept your meals being paid for by men because it is not a sign of weakness.

My Experience

After my breakup in 2013, I was going through a hard time trying to digest what I went through before the breakup and I was in a denial stage for quite some time and hated men as well during this period. This is when I was blogging on my old blogspot blog and I subscribed to radical feminism then.

When I started dating again, I was afraid of not having enough time to get to know men. therefore, I always tell men that I need sufficient time like up to a year to get to know them before I could decide. 

I was also afraid of probably having kids and then later getting divorced because of choosing the wrong person, and I always thought that I did not want to have kids in the first year of marriage.

However, it took me a long time and dating a lot to understand what I wanted and also understand men and their behaviors to identify Wishy Washy men and those who are just there to pass the time. Now, I trust my intuition a lot and I know that I will make the right decision and therefore do not need a lot of time to feel comfortable with someone.

FAQs

What kind of trauma causes hyper-independence?

People who have gone through traumatic experiences like neglect or abuse mainly from their childhood will have it harder to overcome the trauma. Domestic violence and seeing mothers being abused by fathers and vice versa will have a strong impact on children. Hyperindependence can also surface as a Trauma Response in adults who are being neglected by spouses in marriages. They conclude that they need to rely on themselves and nobody else. 

How do you fix hyper-independence?

Therapy, self-reflection, mindfulness, and practicing vulnerability can help to reduce the impact of hyper-independence. Affected people should also consider blending in with people and allowing themselves to trust people more by engaging in healthy and positive environments and people.

Is hyper-independence a weakness?

Hyper independence is actually a weakness because those affected refuse to believe in themselves and their ability to get out of toxic relationships if at all they bump into toxic people. It is important to have boundaries in our interaction with people but being hyper-independent can harm an individual’s well-being and interpersonal relationships because as social creatures, we rely on one another for our well-being.

What does trauma release feel like?

When you finally release trauma from your system, you will have more energy, and therefore you will feel like you are being more active. This is because your fear, shame, and a lot more other negative energies and feelings have been taking up a lot of your mental space and that has stopped you from feeling lighter at heart. You would also be engaging in social activities more and trust people more while also practicing discernment and tuning in to your intuition.