3 Standards and Expectations In Relationships People Ignore

People usually set their standards and expectations in relationships even before they start dating. I’m sure you have come up with a list of your negotiables and non-negotiables when you’re dating and this would actually set forth the standards and expectations in relationships that you naturally expect. 

However, there are far more realities of a relationship that you will only be able to learn once you are in a relationship. However, a lot of people tend to ignore standards and expectations in relationships that require a deep understanding of life, human psychology, and also awareness about themselves.

These are not the six-foot-tall, dark and handsome, six-figure paycheck kind of standards and requirements that people set forth in a relationship. Let’s look into the three standards and expectations in relationships that people actually ignore a lot.

My Experience

When I did come on in my 20s, I was just like any other young woman, just superficially looking into the looks, if we vibe, and most likely just jumped into a relationship without identifying love intention and even getting to know each other well. 

However, in my 30s, I look beyond communication skills, and the ability to have a spark and chemistry with potential dates. I look into how they have been investing in their self-growth and especially how they have been improving themselves when it comes to relationships and how their relationships improved from one to the next. 

Do they attend therapy? Do they break the barriers brought about by their own traumas, how open are they willing to explore things together, and are these wishy-washy guys? 

One of the most important topics I’d love to explore with potential dates is the 50/50 concept whereby it is widely believed that in a relationship, everything is 50/50.

I like to ask open-ended deeper questions like this because it then prompts them to respond by giving it a proper thought, which would then allow me to understand the thought process better.

While we all know that we are actually work-in-progress, it is crucial to work on our communication skills and also the way that we resolve arguments, or even welcome arguments and different mindsets because it actually keeps things evolving in a relationship.

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3 Standards and Expectations In Relationships People Ignore

1. The Ability To Carry 80% Load Sometimes  

This is where the 50/50 theory comes in whereby a lot of people actually believe that a relationship has to be equal and people need to be sharing loads equally. However, what we actually forget is the fact that sometimes, when our partner is going through a hard time we usually have to carry more loads than we would normally.

Sometimes, we need to be carrying 80% and this is a reality in a relationship because it’s not going to be all rosy and happy all the time. However, this is the sacrifice that we make for people that we love doing and we need to be there for them during hard times. 

People tend to forget that they cannot expect things to be equal all the time. Realistic expectation is what people have been ignoring and this is ultimately leading to a lot of failures in relationships.

2. The Ability To Work On Themselves

“The work we do on ourselves will become the greatest gift we could ever give someone”.

No true words have been spoken because we need to understand that the more that we are able to soothe our nervous system and learn different ways to rewire our brain and take care of ourselves, it will be much easier for people to have a relationship with you because you not depending on other people to run your life. 

If people naturally have the ability to work on themselves, reflect on arguments, and communicate in order to make things work, everything else is going to be a lot easier in a relationship.

People forget to set standards and expectations in relationships for themselves first. They often tend to think that when a relationship fails, it is always the other person’s fault.

3. The Ability To Keep Curiosity Alive In A Relationship 

What do you think of infidelity? Why do you think people cheat? Do you actually believe that this is becoming a norm in our society because non-monogamous relationships are okay and the human race is not meant to live and thrive in a monogamous relationship?

If you were to watch Esther Perel’s talk on why people cheat and infidelity, the most important key takeaway in her messages is the fact that two people need to keep curiosity and also safety balanced in a relationship. 

It gives room for people to explore things, and I recently read that, if you are finding it hard to flirt with your spouse because you have a lot of respect for your spouse, or maybe if it is uncomfortable for you to send flirty messages, what you can do is actually to create separate email addresses where the both of you could email each other flirty stuffs come on and this removes the pressure of coming across as desperate or disrespectful. 

You also need to define what is okay in your relationship. Is watching pornography okay? Would you allow your partner to watch them? Would you respect your partner’s needs for alone time and self-pleasure?

While these are actually gray areas where people normally would not define what works and what doesn’t work in their relationship, a couple needs to sit down and define what is acceptable in the relationship and how much freedom is going to be given to each other in order for them to explore something new outside of the relationship which does not necessarily mean that they are cheating.

How To Communicate Better In A Relationship?

• Ask For Their Negotiables and Non-Negotiables

Asking for the negotiables and non-negotiables is ultimately the best way to start things because if you were to clearly define what works for you and what will not work for you, the both of you can find common ground, or even gauge if you are compatible if you’re still dating.

If you are monogamous and your partner is leaning towards non-monogamous relationships and probably shows an interest in entertaining non-monogamous relationships, things will not work between the both of you if you do not define how much freedom you are going to give your partner in a relationship so that you do not end up doubting your partner.

• Identify Ways To Grow Together Learning New Things 

Even though you are in a relationship, or if you are dating, you should not forget that you are a separate individual with different interests and needs that must be fulfilled outside of the relationship of wisdom. If you have hobbies and passions that you normally love doing with your friends, you should not forgo them.

Growth and exploration of new things can happen even outside of a relationship in the form of learning new things and growing together. It goes to show that both of you are not stagnant and that you are learning and growing as an individual. This is definitely a healthy hallmark of a couple that is strengthening their relationship.

• Be Vulnerable and Open With Your Emotions

Being vulnerable and open with your emotions and thoughts can actually help your partner understand your thought process and act accordingly. This creates more intimacy and builds the level of trust that you have for each other.

We often fail to see our partner’s point of view because we are not thinking from the upper perspective and understanding their emotions. People are emotionally human beings and we are driven by our emotions.

This takes a deep level of understanding and the ability to see people’s thought processes and not judge them.

FAQs

What are standards in relationships?

Standards are basically expectations people set based on who they are, their values, and their aspirations for the future. The higher a person aspires to better their lives, the higher the standards they expect in relationships. Standards help to attract the right person in your life and have a better quality of life.

What is the difference between standards and expectations in a relationship?

Standards or criteria tend to be objective, contrasting with expectations, which tend to be subjective. Criteria are less individualized and concern ourselves, whereas expectations are more individualized and pertain to others. Consequently, when standards are not fulfilled, we hold the agency to take action; yet, when expectations fall short, that agency lies with someone else.

What are normal expectations in a relationship?

In a relationship, common expectations often include communication, trust, mutual respect, support, honesty, loyalty, and shared values/goals. Additionally, expectations regarding spending quality time together, understanding, compromise, and emotional connection are prevalent. However, it’s important to recognize that expectations can vary greatly depending on individual preferences, cultural backgrounds, and the specific dynamics of the relationship. Open communication about expectations is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

What is an example of expectations and standards?

The expectation is a specific desire or hope regarding someone’s behavior, while the standard is a broader agreement or principle that guides behavior in an interaction. The expectation may stem from the standard, as it reflects an application of the agreed-upon value of honesty and communication.