Wondering why someone you met on a dating app is love bombing then ghosting you, especially when they seemed to be the right person and gave you hopes that finally, after a long arduous process of dating, this would finally work out?
Not sure what to do when someone has been texting and calling you consistently and then goes out of the radar for a few days or weeks in a streak, comes back apologizing that they have been caught up with an emergency or some family issues (happened to me before and I was stuck not knowing what to do)?
What if you actually like someone and they are being inconsistent, but you want to genuinely see if you should give them a second chance?
“How do I make sure I treat the person fairly but also communicate my needs to avoid flaky guys?”
As someone who has been in the dating scene even before my 30s, and stretching through my early and soon mid-30s, I am here to share my thoughts (actually speaking my thoughts as I am so excited to have found the speech-to-text dictation Google Chrome extension that saves me time typing – oh, and it is FREE) on how I work through my emotions and what has worked for me in facing this situation, so that you can navigate through this phase gracefully and also when next time you are confused with dating icks, you can decide how to better teach your mind to discern between red flags or incompatibility and avoidant attachment dating style.
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- What is love bombing then ghosting?
- 1. Desperation to Find "The One"
- 2. Not Setting and Asserting Clear Boundaries
- 3. Confusing Toxic Ghosting Traits with Legit Problems Men May Have
- 4. The Guilt of Being Choosy
- 5. Addiction Towards The Push-Pull Dynamic
- How To Identify Love Bombers?
- How To Decide Who Deserves Second Chances?
- When To Put A Stop To Men Who Are Love Bombing Then Ghosting?
What is love bombing then ghosting?
Love bombing usually refers to the act of men (or women) showering their potential dates, online or offline, with an excessive amount of attention and love, especially during the very beginning phase of dating, which usually involves a casual get-to-know process without any promises of getting together in the future. Some of the classic examples of men who love bombs are fast-forwarding the entire get-to-know process, showering dates with lots of gifts and flowers, and coining sweet names like “honey” and “baby” without actually asking you if you are comfortable with it.
Some other extensive forms of love bombing include the sudden introduction to family members and friends (well, this shit actually happened to me, although this person didn’t ghost me – because they are desperate in making things happen. But, in this article, we will focus more on why men ghost you after a series of love bombs), future-faking, and convincing you that the relationship is official.
No, let’s look at ghosting. The terms originated fairly very recently, and that could be the reason why a lot of people, especially those who are not in the “dating scene” don’t know about it. Ghosting originated in 2011 and became popular around 2015 following actress Charlize Theron who broke up with Sean Penn by ghosting him as she simply ignored texts and calls from him, leading to the end of the engagement. Probably, before 2011, we simply used terms like ignore, avoid, block and etc. that imply someone is refusing to connect with us.
When someone ghosts you, it shows that they choose “not to see you or acknowledge your presence”. Therefore, when someone love-bombs and after some time ghosts you, you’d naturally feel confused about it. It makes you wonder if you have done something wrong, or if they are caught up in an emergency or this and that! Well, your brain tries to come up with a million reasons but you can’t settle for a definite answer yet.
What’s worse is the pain of not knowing if you should leave him or stay a little longer, trying to be patient in finding love (oh, how many times have we been told by family and friends that we should be more patient and see if he comes around? It’s so annoying that you wished you had listened to your gut feelings, right?)
But then, why do we get trapped in this vicious cycle over and over again? Let’s look at the top 5 reasons why women fall for men who are love bombing then ghosting you, and how to avoid getting your feelings toyed around with
1. Desperation to Find “The One”
Let’s be honest. If someone you are dating is not that important to you yet – let’s say you just met once or twice and you basically don’t really sit around expecting his text messages or calls all day long, you ACTUALLY wouldn’t be bothered about their absence. Well, maybe you don’t even notice that he has not texted you until a few days have passed when you suddenly think of him. Even then, probably you’d just send a casual message to check on him, not expecting anything much.
However, when you are desperate to find “the one” thinking that “all my friends are getting married“, and when someone has been love bombing then ghosting you, you fell for their sweet gestures and think that they could be the one. You do not wait to see if there is consistency. You don’t stay grounded and control your emotions from flying frantically. That is when you would constantly be checking on your phone to see if there is a text message from him coming through.
Now, I get it! Who doesn’t feel that way, especially when someone has been somewhat consistent throughout the first few days or weeks, and then disappears? It causes pain and confusion, but the desperation to find the “right one” aggravates it further as you wouldn’t want to let him go. Coz, if you do, you’d need to start the dating process all over again with someone else in order to even to the stage where you are right now!
However, as tiring as it may sound, it is much more peaceful to leave someone who is ghosting you without a proper reason. It will not only increase the level of confusion that you are already facing, but you will find yourself losing peace over a long period of time as someone who has chosen to ghost you once is capable of repeating the offense.
2. Not Setting and Asserting Clear Boundaries
A podcast and website I love referring to when in confusion is the “Baggage Reclaim” by Nat Lue. In this episode, she talked about ambiguity, why it happens in a relationship, and how we are allowing that to happen as well by being ambiguous. You may be thinking “how am I being ambiguous when I know what I want”? However, when someone is ghosting us, especially after love bombing us, we should set and assert clear boundaries with them.
Did you tell them that their behavior is confusing? Did you tell them that they were moving a little too fast and that you were not comfortable with the pace? Or were you thinking it is normal and justified their behavior by thinking that they are very much into you?
When (and if) they return, did you ask them what had happened, and did you tell them that ghosting is not a behavior that you’d tolerate even if there is something requiring their attention? If we do not tell them how important communication especially constant one is to us, we’d always be served with treatment that does not meet our needs, especially if we think that they have love intention towards us.
3. Confusing Toxic Ghosting Traits with Legit Problems Men May Have
“I was busy with work calls when I was away from town”
“My parent decided to remarry, I wasn’t happy with the decision and was going through a series of depression” (what I heard from a guy based on my dating experience, sigh).
“My co-worker died, and two days later my brother was diagnosed with cancer, and in between, our pet Jimmy died. Life was chaotic and I had a lot on my plate. I am sorry it took some time to get back to you”
Sounds familiar? Well, we all confuse toxic ghosting traits with actual problems people may have. Therefore, we women tend to feel that we need to give them the benefit of the doubt and pick things up from where we left off earlier.
Ask yourself if someone who was love bombing you and making it seem like a serious dating process could ever ghost you without even leaving you a text message explaining the situation and assuring you that they will get back to you soon. Or, would it be something difficult to give you a glimpse of what’s happening without ghosting you?
Essentially, dating is a process where two people try to see if two lives can be integrated into one. If they are super close for a few days and avoidant for the rest of the week, what does this show you? It could be that they are setting up discreet dates with you as they are probably a married guy splitting his attention between work, family, and you. I am not saying that one should be in touch with you right from the day you started dating or texting, but if love-bombing happened, then the intensity should remain or grow as time passes by.
4. The Guilt of Being Choosy
“You are too choosy”, “you should date outside your type”, “you should give him a chance”, “everyone makes mistakes”, “nobody is perfect”
I want you to know that you are not alone! We all have heard people saying these in our lives, to the extent that we question our intuition. We allow men to be comfortable with love bombing then ghosting because deep inside we feel that we are not settling down as we dismiss or reject men at the slightest mistake they may make. We don’t hold space for imperfection and ultimately, we are being choosy.
We know that we do not want to settle for breadcrumbs and that ghosting is not an acceptable behavior. However, we try to settle for the less as we’ve been told by society that nobody is perfect and we have to make adjustments in life. That leads to women continuously trying to make things work even when someone clearly presents all the toxic traits of a love bomber.
5. Addiction Towards The Push-Pull Dynamic
When someone love-bombs you, you are addicted to their attention. You know that you now have something that you did not have before; which is their love. They literally love-bomb you to pull your attention towards them. And then, when they have it, they drop you all of a sudden and go missing in action, leaving you behind wondering where they went. They love seeing you suffer from the starvation of love. They love seeing you yearning for their presence. This is the ultimate motive. When you stop giving them the importance that they actually don’t deserve, they’ll naturally lose in the push-pull dynamic.
But, you find it difficult to do because you are now the chaser, wanting to win their love. You want to get their attention back and therefore, would go to any extent to get in touch with them. Part of it is also because of the ego that wants to prove itself that it is worthy of his love. This is especially true if you actually bump into someone who is just interested in a situationship. Read my post on “why do guys like situationships” to understand the push-pull dynamics that happen when two people are getting to know each other.
How To Identify Love Bombers?
- Extra Cheesy and Intense In The Beginning
If they are being extra cheesy and intense especially when you both have just matched with each other on a dating app, and if you noticed him being very intense in texting and doesn’t give you the space and time to go about living your everyday life, he could very well be a love-bomber. The intensity of texting and calls should gradually grow from the day you get to know a person, and if you feel that the way someone is texting you is too intense for you, voice it out and let him know that you prefer conversation that is less intense for the time being.
- Trying to fast-forward things
Ever come across someone who wants to have your number desperately right after saying “hi” on a dating app? This could potentially be a love bomber as he is trying to move things at a much faster pace. Someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know you would have the courtesy of exchanging a few words of introduction before suggesting to move off the app.
Love-bombers are excellent at future faking, promising you that they will visit you soon, they would introduce you to their family members, and make plans that are seemingly very realistic, leaving you wondering if it is too good to be true.
And if you ever caught yourself wondering if it is too good to be true, it usually is! This is especially true when you have barely known them or have not validated what they have said to you. Imagine bumping into a person who says he’s a doctor but you have not had the chance to see his photos of him at his workplace, you may want to ascertain the fact before actually trusting what he says. If getting to know him is feeling overwhelming, he is probably love-bombing you and future-faking to trap you into believing that he is worthy of your attention.
How To Decide Who Deserves Second Chances?
Now, what happens when someone ghosts you and chooses to return after some time, giving you his explanation for ghosting you? I know that a part of you would want to believe that he has a legitimate reason for going off the radar. But how do you know if he deserves a second chance?
Evaluate the reasons that he gave you. If he has really been busy with work, do you think that it is a proper reason to go to you? One should not take advantage of the situation he is in order to treat you poorly.
Express your feelings and clearly say that you’ve been actually disappointed with his attitude and that it left you in confusion. Explain your needs and tell him that staying in touch consistently is something that you cannot negotiate in a relationship. Clearly tell him the communication style that you prefer and also ask him his preference. Try to land in between so that the both of you can communicate without necessarily putting either party’s needs at stake. Watch if he is being consistent and if there is an improvement in the way he connects with you.
If a person is truly remorseful of his attitude towards you, and he cares for you, he would respect your feelings and meet your needs. Always remember that excuses are not something that you should tolerate when your needs are not being met.
When To Put A Stop To Men Who Are Love Bombing Then Ghosting?
When you don’t see improvements in their behavior, it clearly shows you that they are not concerned about the relationship. Immediately remove the importance that this person has had in your life from your mind. Keep a distance and just watch his behavior. Remember, when you’re dating someone, you are evaluating them. Therefore, do not tie them to any expectation yet.
If they are not able to respect your communication style and do not need your needs, it goes to show that you both are not on the same page and it is best to put a stop to it. This is because (speaking from painful experience), they would return to you somewhere down the road when they are bored. It could be one week from now, one month, or even a year, when you would suddenly see a text message from them. It would be very tempting to reply them or even rekindle the connection if you are still single. However, do not let their poor behavior fool you twice or thrice. You should be strong enough to sever the connection in order to protect your mental peace.
Why do guys love-bomb and then ghost?
They primarily do this to achieve their goals and gain control over their dating partners. They have low self-esteem and would love the validation of someone chasing after them when they ghost them. At the deepest core, they are emotionally unavailable and are not secure. They love playing games and seeking your attention when they ghost you. Remove your attention from them and they would lose power over you.
What is love bombing then silent treatment?
The abuser showers the victim with love if the victim acts how they want as a reinforcement technique. This is different from ghosting as the abuser does not go missing from the victim’s life but then, refrains from behaving in a loving and kind way that they usually do. This is especially true if the victim has done something against the wishes of the abuser, and in order to “teach the victim a lesson”, they give them the silent treatment. This is also called stone-walling.
What does love bombing then ghosting mean?
It is typically showering someone with adoration, to an excessive point, and then completely disappearing. It is often done by people who are not serious in seeking a relationship, and often targets people who want a serious relationship, in order to gain control over their emotions and thoughts.
Why do narcissists love-bomb and then discard?
It is to exert emotional abuse over someone, as they enjoy the pain inflicted upon them, and as it further reinforces their self-worth. This is because the victim usually chases after the abuser after discarding them, and victims wanting love from the abuser makes the abuser feel that they are important.