Should Women Pursue Men? Is It Clever or Actually Desperate?

We are living in the 21st century and yet ‘should women pursue men?’ is still one of the most debated topics in dating. That is mainly because although feminism and equality have been advocated more than ever in today’s world, women still desire the need to be pursued and women pursuing men is seen as a counterintuitive move in dating which will put men off.

Although there are signs he is waiting for you to make the first move, you are afraid that it would go wrong and that he would lose interest in you if you were to make the first move. At the same time, it is also frustrating to be suppressing our feelings and emotions as well as desires that we have another human being just because we are vagina owners.

So how do we pursue men without coming off as desperate and needy, but at the same time express our feelings and emotions confidently?

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I’m Jasveena and I have been blogging since 2013, documenting my experience as well as helpful professional resources and tips I found online in seeking meaningful relationships and connections, and I am here to share them with you so that you are not alone in cruising through this journey called life that may seem like a lonely path.

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A playful woman with a man in a cozy cafe during winter justifying the age-old question of "Should women pursue men"

Feminism and Chivalry

Feminism is the belief in social, economic, and political equality of the sexes. In the modern world where both men and women are working, and more women are striving to champion equality, women no longer need men to open the door for them, or pay for dates. More women take turns paying for dates and women do not need to be “taken care of”.

Therefore, more women are also becoming more vocal and expressive when it comes to speaking their thoughts. This can also be seen in the dating arena where women make the first moves and pursue men they like and no longer wait for men to make the first move.

This is because waiting for men to make the first move is seen as a gender-based role that downplays the ability of women.

Traditionally, chivalry means the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms. However, in the modern dating context, chivalry means very polite, honest, and kind behavior, especially by men towards women.

Men are expected to open the door for women, pay for dates, and make the women feel protected and comfortable. In short, men pursue women and make the first moves like asking the women out for dates, defining the relationship, and moving the relationship toward the next steps.

Women let men take the lead so that they know the men are dependable. Women also feel they are being pursued and valued, while men have the feeling of having accomplished something when they get the woman that they pursue.

Can Women Express Desires?

Whether it is women pursuing men or men pursuing women, in this century, we are very much encouraged to express our feelings and desires, and that should be no shame in expressing our needs and desires.

If you are a woman 35 and single, most likely you would want a relationship that is stable and calm. Expressing desires would not put off real men who appreciate the confidence that women have in them.

However, it is up to the men to decide if they are interested and would be able to reciprocate their feelings. If you as a woman can accept the fact that rejection is always going to be a part of dating and if you understand that it takes tremendous courage to open up yourself to a person and be vulnerable enough to see if they like you back, it will be a very fulfilling choice.

In this case, both men and women will be subjected to the unknown whereby expressing their feelings risky affair. However, what is in their control is the ability to move on once they know that the other person is not interested in them knowing that love is reciprocal. At least, you don’t die wondering “What if I expressed my feelings to them?”.

Traditional Gender Roles In Dating

Traditionally, across many many cultures, men would be taking the lead in dating, by pursuing the woman that they desire. Men are seen as people who go the extra mile for the women that they love to win their attention and love. This is seen as a characteristic of a man as a provider and a protector who is willing to care for the woman that he loves. 

Men and chivalry are not strangers to one another. Men bring flowers (coz women love receiving flowers unexpectedly), travel across hundreds of miles just to see the women that they love, open doors for women, and pay for dates in order to show that they are capable of shouldering commitment and that they care for the women.

Women feel pursued and valued. They do not need to second-guess the interest vested upon them by men. Men, on the other hand, have the space to pursue women that they love, and winning over their love would mean a lot to them.

Problems With Women Pursuing Men

  1. Women Don’t Watch For Men’s Level of Interest

Women are generally emotional beings and when they like men, they tend to get very emotional and excited. This is especially true if they are pursuing men instead of men pursuing them. In general, it does not matter the gender, the person expressing their desire should watch for signals from the other person.

If you notice reciprocity in effort and feelings it would be safe to move further and invest more emotionally in getting to know the person. However, women who go all in without waiting to see if men are reciprocating their effort are bound to feel burned out.

  1. Anxiousness While Waiting Around For Men To Reciprocate

If it takes a while for the men to reciprocate, women would need to wait for responses for a bit, and this wait could wear them out emotionally as some women would start to question their worthiness as women because they are the ones pursuing men.

Shame could start to engulf them, and it is not a positive emotion that would help the entire dating process for women. This is also because women are not used to getting rejected by men as women usually do not pursue men.

  1. Tendency To Chase Out Of Desperation

There is also the tendency to chase men out of desperation to win over their love. The more the women get neglected by the man that they love, they chase the man even more. This is due to the fear of being abandoned or rejected that could stem from abandonment wounds from childhood or simply due to their attachment style.

Toxic Men Addicted To The Chase

  1.  Toxic Man Addicted To Chasing Women

One of the downsides of thinking that only men should pursue women is the fact that some men love chasing women until they get the attention. So, if a woman thinks that the man chasing them is a sign of love, it will only disappoint them when they finally get to know that they are already pursuing other women.

Men who love the thrill of chasing women will not have enough of the attention. They simply would not stop craving more attention from women simply because they think that as men, they could pursue as many women as they want and it is not something that they need to be ashamed of.

  1.  Toxic Men Addicted To Women Chasing Them

Men who blow things hot and cold and resort to love bombing then ghosting are addicted to women chasing them. This is a way to boost their ego by having women chase after them this usually happens when women think that the men are really invested in them and start to give them attention. 

The women would now feel that they have a soft spot for the men and therefore they would feel like it is an obligation to reciprocate effort. Hence, they would start checking on the men thinking that something had gone wrong with them all and if they were in some sort of difficulties.

This is when men would start to withdraw attention and have the woman chase after them. Again, this goes to show that it is not a guarantee of genuine intention just because men initiate things first. 

Should Women Pursue Men?

Should women pursue men? Women can express their desire but should give space for men to pursue women. This is especially true if women want to feel that they are being pursued, valued cherished, and chosen by men. 

When men are given the space they need, they can evaluate their feelings better and decide if they are interested in the women who have expressed their desire to have a relationship with them.

Women are supposed to drop the handkerchief and signal that they are interested in men. Let the men catch up and do the work they are supposed to do by pursuing women.

In a nutshell, a relationship is a two-way street and it takes both parties to make it work. So, have enough self-respect to walk away from anyone who cannot reciprocate feelings. All my friends are getting married and I will be left alone. I should make this happen and try harder.” We all have had this monologue that drives us nuts. But, the reality hits hard when

My Experience

Chasing men who are not interested in having a relationship with women has never worked in favor of women from my observation. I have expressed desires openly and have had men reciprocating but also had men stringing me along (that’s one danger when you make the first move) when they were actually not interested in a relationship.

Over time, I learned to strike a balance between expressing my desires (which feels liberating), and also accepting the fact that it is on them to decide if they would like to reciprocate or not. Let’s just say the ball is in their court and you don’t have to worry about anything else anymore.

At least, I know I have done what is best for me, and I have enough self-respect to walk away from something that is no longer serving me well and choose someone who is choosing me.

Getting to this point takes time but understanding this simple fact has eliminated the worry in me when it comes to dating, and deciding if I should make the first move or not. 

It is okay to make the first move but do not let emotions get in the way and cloud your judgment to the extent that you fall for someone even before you know if they like you. This is you merely building expectations out of the fantasy played in your head and nothing more. Stay grounded and watch the reality unfold.

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Is it ever OK for a woman to pursue a man?

Yes, it is generally acceptable to express the desires that women have towards men. The only time it would NOT be okay is if he were to tell her he wasn’t interested. After that, if the woman insists the man have conversations with her, it would mean that she is harassing him and this is not something respectable.

Is it okay for a girl to chase a guy?

Certainly, it is okay to express desires that a girl has for a guy but chasing a guy is not cool and respectable, no matter the gender. Once a guy has expressed his disinterest towards you, it is best to leave him as this shows you respect his feelings. It is never okay for someone to chase people they love just to prove their love towards them.

Do women want you to pursue them?

Most women still want a man to pursue them because women feel better when they are pursued and valued, and men feel they have won or accomplished something when they win over the girl they have been pursuing, and this is in the primary instincts of both men and women.

Should you allow a man to pursue you?

When women give the space for men to pursue them, men will gain more self-assurance that it’s you they want. Men who are being chased by women more often feel turned off as they come off as desperate. When men pursue women, women feel valued and respected, and this gives the confidence in women to trust the men more as providers and protectors.

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