Ever wondered what the importance of courtship is in the entire dating process?
Have you ever been following relationship rules that say you should meet X amount of time before you could define your relationship, talk about A, B, and C before deciding if this person is for you, and wait for X amount of dates before you could be intimate with them?
Do you feel like you’re being too cautious in the entire dating process? You are putting logical thinking on the forefront before your emotions, fearing that feelings would cloud you know judgment.
As a result, you are always in the analysis paralysis mode and find it difficult to fall in love because you are just being too cautious because you don’t want to fall in love with potential.
Sounds familiar? Let’s find out why the courtship process is important in dating and ensuring the development of an organic relationship as opposed to the get-to-know process that is rigid and superconscious, as I too have had difficulties trusting the flow of dating and wanted to jump to the outcome too soon.
I’m Jasveena and I have been blogging since 2013, documenting my experience as well as helpful professional resources and tips I found online in seeking meaningful relationships and connections, and I am here to share them with you so that you are not alone in cruising through this journey called life that may seem like a lonely path.
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Why Conscious Dating Dismisses The Importance of Courtship?
When you’re being too careful in dating, you dismiss the importance of courtship. The men do not pursue fearing emotional intimacy, and the women do not feel pursued enough and, therefore they both feel like waiting for each other to make the first move.
- You Leave Little Room For Soft Spot and Love For The Person
We all know that human beings are imperfect and we have our own flaws. However, when it comes to dating, especially above 30, we become too careful in order not to choose the wrong person. In our 20s, we may have chosen the wrong person and as we grow older and watch the relationship of our friends and family members unfold, we learn quite a bit from there, don’t we?
Have you ever faced a situation where you get the dating ick and seem to have an avoidant attachment dating style as soon as you find something to be out of alignment with your needs and preferences?
When building intimacy in the courtship process, we should aim to build organic relationship and let things happen in their own course. This would then help to create room for love and affection to enter between two individuals. Although the soft spot is known as a sentimental weakness, it shows that we are able to accept people for who they are including their imperfections.
Have you seen old couples being able to tolerate one another even if they seem to annoy one another quite a bit throughout their lives? We have seen couples tolerating the shortcomings of their partner that range from simple things like not taking the trash out to forgiving their partner for financial blunders that they have made probably due to their poor financial decision.
While it is definitely necessary to protect our peace in order to find the right person, nobody is perfect and people could change for the betterment of the future. When you do not give a chance to understand people that you’re dating, you are dismissing them merely based on facts being presented to you without actually discussing the issue with them.
When you are dating consciously, you tend to pass people up merely for reasons that should not be a huge aspect of concern as you judge them very quickly without actually assessing if you like them and if you would want to work things out with them.
- You Are Fixated At Getting Your Needs Met
Unmet expectations can lead to frustrations in dating. As someone who has made mistakes in the past by sacrificing your needs in a relationship, it is natural to want your needs to be met when you are dating someone.
However, when you are not committed to the process of getting to know someone, just letting things lose and enjoying the process of discovering people, you tend to be taking off the checklist that you have rather than understanding a fellow human being.
You are not creating the room to identify if two people can live under one roof as you are quickly assessing them for who they are at this point. When you are too analytical, it is difficult to identify if the other person can meet your needs.
Imagine wanting kids in the future with your partner, and you are making decisions based on what you know about him right now – which is as a single person who is not a father to anyone yet. Therefore, it will be very difficult to gauge if he will be a terrific father or otherwise.
People tend to dismiss the importance of courtship because they want to get things right and therefore be very focused on doing things the right way to the extent that they forget that a relationship is always a roller coaster ride!
- You Fear Embracing The Unknown
You also do not see the importance of courtship because you do not want to take calculated risks. You do not want to emotionally be attached to someone who may not be a good fit for you. And therefore, you always want to have control over your mind and emotions so that it will be easier to end things if need be.
People change as time goes by. This is also true for our life partners in general. You will see numerous versions of your partner as they go through life with you in different phases like parenthood and old age. How they would respond to stress and situations can be very different from how they respond to them at this point.
Therefore, conscious dating becomes more of a problem in just embracing love, and loving people for who they are today.
Problem Embracing Intimacy In Dating After 30
People have mostly given up on dating as soon as they hate their mid-30s, especially if they are 35 and single. Some would even want to stay single and not actively dating anymore. However, deep in their heart and minds, they would want to have someone special to spend their time with. The single life has become the comfort zone that they do not want to leave.
A lot of them also would have experienced dating burnout by now, so they hesitate to give their all into dating. Intimacy builds over time and people do not have the patience to see what unfolds as time goes by. They enter into brief conversations and leave before they can even evolve into something meaningful.
Preferences and life directions also change drastically as people hit their mid-30s. Some are not sure if they want kids, and some others have been comfortable living alone that the idea of getting married would throw them off their comfort zone drastically because they would need to accommodate and compromise to now have another person sharing their life with.
All these complexities contribute to people finding a difficult to get to know and date others as well as embrace vulnerability and intimacy, although deep down they love to have companionship and love in their lives.
Importance of Courtship in Dating
Courtship is essentially the process of getting to know someone in the romantic context before committing to a relationship. The guys would usually be trying to impress women and “peacocking”, and the woman would be evaluating if the men they are dating are suitable for starting a family with. Over time, both the men and the women would build trust, intimacy, and emotions for each other.
- Courtship Builds Emotional Intimacy
Conscious dating can lead to people trying to overanalyze and judge people quickly based on their checklist of ideal partners. People also tend to want to conclude earlier and therefore may dismiss potential partners very early during the dating process.
However, when given some time for emotional intimacy to build up, they would soon realize that the spark or chemistry can be developed as time passes by. It would also give enough time for people to reassess their initial perception of people.
Even if you find someone very attractive or somewhat not attractive during the first date, talking to them with an open mind would change your perception as the true characters start to unveil as time goes by. And then, you would be able to make proper judgments about someone which you do not need to regret later on.
- The Men Pursue and The Women Feel Pursued
Typically, in a relationship, the man pursues the woman that he likes, and the woman feels loved and pursued. This makes her comfortable, indicating that the guy is trustworthy and dependable. He feels the thrill of winning her over and she feels taken care of.
Although modern dating has shattered gender roles, it is undeniable that how women and men function in a romantic context cannot be completely overlooked. The masculine energy from a man and the feminine energy from a woman ultimately complement both genders and that is the key to a harmonious life.
When women pursue men and the effort is not reciprocated, they feel they are not good enough and not the chosen one, and this could shake the foundation of the potential relationship.
The courtship process allows love to develop naturally as you ease into love, without the pressure of trying to figure out everything at once.
- Relying on Intuition and Not Relationship Rules
A lot of times we pressure ourselves into trying to get things right especially when meeting someone new, and we tend to abide by the rules set by relationship experts and the bits of advice given by family and friends.
However, every relationship is unique and no one-size-fits-all relationship rule would be sufficient for any couple out there. It is important to hone your intuition when it comes to relationships and dating so that you do what is best for you instead of what has been working in other people’s relationships.
In the courting process, you would learn a lot about each other and would come to an understanding of whether the both of you could live under one roof despite breaking several unconventional relationship rules.
- Giving Time For Relationship To Be Built
With more time spent with a potential date in the courtship process, you will learn a lot about their characters, and properly assess if the green flags, yellow flags, and red flags something valid or not. It is not possible to be able to gauge things about someone just after one date, and the mistake a lot of people make is to quickly identify red flags and cut them off immediately. Properly understanding what green flags and red flags in relationships are can help you decide better.
- Realizing That Love Is a Gamble Worth Risking For
Ultimately, any love that these worth having is what risking for. You may want to be sure about everything and do not want to choose the wrong partner. However, people can change over time and what matters is if you love them for who they are today.
When you are too calculative of the risks that a relationship may pose, no decisions can be made and you will forever be in the analysis paralysis mode.
Love hurts but love also heals. Opening yourself to the infinite possibilities of a better future by embracing love would only make you a brave person, and eventually accept that love is selfless and does not demand a guarantee of any sort, as such is the nuances of human nature and life.
My Experience
Over the years of dating many people, I have come to realize that if only you could fully give your attention to people at least for two to four weeks by getting to know them face-to-face and also over calls, you would discover a lot of things that you would otherwise not if you decide to cut them off early in the dating phase.
The dating apps have led to the paradox of choice, as we have tons and tons of profiles online and we think that we have a lot of people to choose from.
We then move from one person to another relentlessly in search of “the one”, which may never happen and we find ourselves caught in the Hamster Wheel of Dating and put the entire fault on reading apps for our dating fatigue.
I think that focusing on just a couple of people to date at a time would give you sufficient time to get to know both of them and see if you would still want to continue dating them. When you have desired that either one of them would definitely not work out for you can then move on to the others on the dating app.
This allows me to be very mindful of the dating process and actually get to know them instead of trying to analyze them before I get to see their real characters. When I enjoy the process of getting to know them, I feel less stressed and probably embrace the feminine energy more and just be myself and give my best.
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FAQs
What is courtship and importance of courtship?
The courtship process is the period wherein some couples get to know each other prior to a possible marriage or committed romantic, de facto relationship. It is important as couples truly need to spend time with one another, build trust and comfort level, and ease into love.
What is the purpose of the courtship?
It is a process when couples get to know one another and assess whether or not they should advance the relationship to a more serious stage, such as marriage. It allows the men to pursue and the women to feel pursued and builds the chemistry between them over time.
What are 5 advantages of courtship?
The advantages of courtship are:
- You would identify if you both have feelings for each other and if the chemistry is present.
- You would discover each other’s medical conditions and fitness levels.
- You wouldn’t feel awkward and uncomfortable about getting closer to them or thinking about who should make the first move.
- You will be invested in understanding them versus judging them for who they are.
- You would become comfortable with each other’s habits and values.
Why courtship is better?
In courting, you want to make a good impression with your beloved’s family and friends. When you are dating consciously, you wouldn’t arrive at this point early in the dating phase as you would be very mindful of the dating rules set by dating gurus in the modern dating world. However, in the courtship process, getting to know them and their circle of family and friends would come naturally without you seeming to be following a rigid unconventional rule.
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